Another Word from Our Sponsors

Has life lost that spark? Do you feel uninspired? Are you, in a word, sane?

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But luckily, there's hope.

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the once-a-day anti-sanity pill

Side effects may include necrosis of facial muscles, pronounced limp, albinism, hunched back, delusions of grandeur, and uncontrollable maniacal laughter.

Consult your doctor or, if you are a doctor, just prescribe Frankinol to yourself.

A Conversation I'll Sadly Never Have

"Let's see here...finally got the Time Phone working...all right, time to test it out...just gotta think of someone to dial up...Oh! I know!"

1-9-9-0

*ring*

*ring*

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is going to sound weird, but trust me on this. I'm you, from like 15 years in the future."

"What?"

"No, don't say anything, just shut up and listen. I don't know how long this connection will last. Plus, I bet the bill is going to be outrageous!!"

"..."

"Fine, whatever. Don't laugh, you little punk. First things first, if a girl comes over and asks you to put handcuffs on her, make something of that opportunity! Christ, at least touch her boobs! What the hell is wrong with you?! Same goes for if a girl decides she'd rather sleep on your floor rather than the couch. I don't care who you think you have a crush on at the time, just DO SOMETHING! Oh, and that reminds me, if you *do* go to college for some kind of science, maybe stick with it...neuroscience is pretty cool...If you're going to get stuck in a soulless job, try to pick one that pays more money. And, finally, for the love of all that is holy, never try to cook pork roll at 2:30 in the morning...Got all that?"

"Uh, yeah? Though it didn't really make a whole lot of--"

"It will. Good luck, young Keeley. Oh, get used to people calling you that."

"Thanks?"

*click*

*ring*

"Huh. That's weird. Guess I better answer it. Hello?"

"Hey! I'm you from the future. Look, even though I know you can't affect past events, I thought I'd call to stop you from wasting your time on building a Time Phone because of, well, that thing I just said."

"Too late."

Word of the Day

pelf n. Riches or wealth, esp. when fraudulently obtained.

Come on, world! Why aren't we using this word more often?! It's fantastic! "The ways he's living, he must have a lot of pelf in the bank."

Better yet, it should also be modified into an adjective. Pelfy. Meaning rich or wealthy, but through fraudulently obtained. "Curse those pelfy robber-barons!"

Someone's got to get on this...

A Taste of Things To Come

Team Baked Ziti has been hard at work on, well, maybe I should just show you:



Is that me? Is that what you think it is sitting on the table with me? Why the hell is that soup bowl empty?

You'll have to wait until next month to find out, suckers.

Web Slinging

Here are some little-known facts about spiders that might keep you up late tonight. I hope.

• Though they are scientifically classified as not having antennae, two of each spider's legs function the same way as antennae. And they use them to pick up cell-phone signals.
• The events of Charlotte's Web actually occurred as written, except for one minor point that was left out of the book. Charlotte saved that pig because a million of her babies were about to burst forth from its stomach.
• Geometry was actually invented by a spider.
• The following types of spiders are, in fact, not made up: jumping spider, hobo spider, tooth cave spider, trapdoor spider, net-casting spider, and ant mimic spider.
• When you kill a spider, all spiders everywhere know it.
• For every person on this planet, there exists a spider large enough to cover his or her face. Luckily, these spiders live only in the jungle. For now.

Review of a Book with No Words

We get a lot of advance reader copies of various genre fiction books here at work. Some awful, some terrible, and some weird and interesting. Like
Super #1 Robot, a photographic collection of Japanese robot toys made in the late 70s and early 80s. When I saw it earlier today, I of course, had to scoop it up.

To be honest, there are some words in this book beyond the captions for the photos. There's like a 20-some page introduction and an after word, but who cares about all that? Let's get to the robots!

Of course, there are over a dozen Voltron look-alikes within these pages, but there are also a lot of interesting entries. Like one robot that looks like a giant golden meat tenderizer. Something that appears to be a Magic 8-ball wearing a sun hat. And an angry water heater with a Z painted on the front. Plus the obvious Mecha-Godzilla and Astroboy types.

So there you have it, all kinds of contraptions made from metal, plastic, and in one case what I'm sure is some form of gummi product. Sure, it's not going to tax your brain (especially if you don't read the text), but it'll fire up your imagination. The perfect book for someone who wants to remember these toy robots but is way too cool to go out and buy them.

My Rating: 4 1/2 Ultramans

The Keeley Cure

I've known about this for a while (it hangs in my cubicle at work), and I promise you that it is 100% true. Whether or not Dr. Leslie E. Keeley is indeed related to yours truly, is up for debate.

But I like to think that one of my ancestors helped people to cure their drug addictions...by injecting them with "bichloride of gold" (which is chemically impossible compound).

"The Keeley Cure"--a Irishy-sounding ballad that parodied the famous treatment. It was apparently recorded before the invention of instruments.

If there's any musicians out there willing to cover this hilarious ditty, you have my permission, such as its worth. Just send me a cut of the dough, preferably in gold coins. I have some tinctures to make...

A Quick Note

Sorry there was no update for today. See, I have this old blogging injury from my early blogging days when I blogged for almost 20 straight hours and I seriously pulled a muscle in my good blogging elbow and it hasn't been the same since. In fact, it acts up whenever I don't really have anything to blog about. Such is life.

Just Some God Ol' Boys

The bright orange Fiat with a black cross painted on the hood skids around the corner, with no fewer than eight police cars following close behind it, their sirens wailing.

The driver of the Fiat turns to his passenger, "Looks like Pope Hogg ain't to happy with us right now, Lucas."

"Well, Bocephus, maybe you ought'nt have knocked over his secret holy water still..."

The two hold a straight face for a beat and then crack up laughing, as the Fiat swerves around a fountain. The driver notices that up ahead the road crossing a canal is under construction.

"Bridge out," he says. "Think the ol' Saint Leopold can handle it?"

"Verily," the passenger pats the dashboard.

"Amen to that. Hang onto yer prayer beads, brother!"

The car leaps over the canal.

"YEEE-HAAAAWWW!!"

*freeze frame*

"Well, it looks like them Priest boys have got all o' Vatican County on their tails. Stay tuned to find out if it comes back to bite 'em in the apse..."

Work is Hell

Back to the trenches!

Random Haiku

...composed solely of the names of selected original Care Bears.

Good Luck Bedtime Friend.
Grumpy Love-A-Lot Funshine,
Cheer Tenderheart Wish.

Grand Theft Autobot

Vinnie peered around the corner and saw it, a sweet ride just begging to be jacked. Smooth white lines with blue detailing and a spoiler like no other. Nearly salivating at the thought of all the cash he could score on such a ride, Vinnie creeped closer to the car. He saw no one else around for blocks.

Almost not daring to hope, Vinnie tried the door--it was unlocked! Unbelievable! He'd have the dough in his pocket before midnight. Plenty of time to go out and get pissed.

Vinnie quickly ducked into the car and slammed the door behind him. He leaned under the dash, looking for the wires to jump start the vehicle when he felt and odd rumbling under the sheet...

*******

Jazz strolled into the Autobot HQ, whistling the latest pop hit he had heard on the way over.

"Where ya been?" asked Bumblebee, looking up from his computer.

"Caught some z's out by the club," Jazz replied.

"Hey, you've got a little stain right about here," Bumblebee pointed to his torse.

Jazz looked down and indeed see the stain. A small trickle of red. "That's odd. I wonder where that came from?"

Now Back to the Stupidity

With the...great...taste of...something...maybe wintergreen?

And a...unique...texture!

Chew it! We dare you!

Truth, for a Change

Lately, people (OK, person) has decried the lack of "real-life" posts on this blog. "What's going on in Keeley's life?" "What's he up to?" and "What, exactly, is wrong with that weirdo?" are just a few of the questions that have popped up. So, I'm setting aside the sleep-deprivation induced fantasies that usually clog this space, to tell you something for true.

I have an Internet crush on the Onion AV Club's Amelie Gillette.

Just read that bio and tell me that's not hawt. And she gets to interview the likes of Lewis Black and Sarah Silverman. So maybe there's a bit of professional jealousy mixed in with these puppy dog eyes. Either way, I present to you:

An Open Love Letter to Amelie Gillette:

Dear Amelie,

Hello. How are you? Let me cut right to the chase and say, dump whoever it is you are seeing now and be with me, for I will Treat You Right.

I'm sure that an Internet personality such as yourself gets a hundred proposals of this nature every day, but hear me out. Sure, maybe you're way out of the league of a schlub like myself, but it won't matter because once we meet, I'm sure you'll see past my scruffy beard and oddly stained Old Navy T-shirts to see the pop-culture loving pseudo-hipster that lies within.

Together, we will go on picnics in the park, delicately feeding each other strange-tasting snack foods from Israel and Korea. You will have a strange compulsion to hog all the prawn crackers, while I try to figure out whether or not the beef-flavored potato chips taste more like Slim Jims or old baseball gloves. Together, we will curl up on the couch watching Boomerang and shaking our heads sadly when The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo comes on, lamenting the sad waste of Vincent Price's talents. Together, we will attend the premiere of the Borat movie, and get drunk with Sascha Cohen afterward on Pims.

We will be happy and the envy of the entire metropolitan area.

And then I will trick you into playing Dungeons & Dragons.

Dear Lairowner

Mrs. Tiamat:

It has come to our attention that the state of your property is currently in violation of several rules and statues set down in the Wyrmhills Association Lair Guidelines. Specifically:

• The path to your lair is marked with over a dozen helmeted heads on pikes. According to rule #7a, you are allowed no more than three (3) lawn decorations of this manner.
• The ashes of several parties of adventurers are scattered about the rear of your lair. Please refer to rule #13c for rules on proper disposal of your trash.
• Other Wyrmhills residents have been forced to pick up golden goblets, silver platters, and platinum crowns that have spilled forth from your lair. If you need additional space for your horde, you may petition the Lairowners' Association under rule #1a.

In addition, you have been cited a number of times due to noise violations. If you must sacrifice a virgin on your property, please do so before 9:00p.m.

Please rectify these problems within a month, or fines will be levied against you.

Mr. Jormungandr
President
Wyrmhills Lairowners' Association

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Ol' Toothless Joe was barred from the Spur Hill Saloon because of his rank odor and constant swearing. We sued the establishment for discrimination and, while Joe still cannot enter the saloon, he gets all the rye he can drink as long as stays behind the building.

So no matter what your problem, we'll see to that you get what you deserve.

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Little-Known Maritime Superstitions

As Batman would say, "Sailors are a cowardly and superstitious lot." Of course, everyone knows the "red sky" rhyme telling would-be seamen when to take to the waves, but I'm willing to bet dollars to hardtack that most of you out there aren't familiar with the dozens of other ditties sailors memorized to keep themselves safe and happy...

First off, the importance of citrus fruit in cuisine was quite high due to scurvy. But you couldn't just suck 'em down during any meal.

Lime in your dinner, that meal's a winner,
Lime in your supper, toss 'er down the scupper.

Then of course, sailors had guidelines for meeting a lady of the evening during shore leave.

If she looks nice, you'll pay quite a price,
If she looks a hag, just use a burlap bag.

Dolphins are almost always considered a good omen while at sea, but most sailors knew to ask the dolphins a question to prepare themselves for the rest of the journey.

If the dolphin is silent, prepare to get violent,
If the dolphin responds, invest in long-term bonds.

And finally, sailors even had a superstition for creating these superstitions.

If the rhyme is great, share it with yer mates,
If no rhyme have ye, buy yerself a rhymin' diction'ry.

La Cucaracha

Somewhere, a few blocks back, I had taken a wrong turn. I could tell that I was in a bad neighborhood--piles of trash on the sidewalk, crumbling buildings with plywood over the windows, and not a taxi to be seen on the streets. I was just about to head back the way I came when I heard a whisper from a nearby darkened alley.

"Hey, ese!"

I quickened my step, by the unseen speaker was insistent.

"Ese! You lookin' for a good time?"

I froze.

Out of the darkness stepped a roach, wearing a dirty velour tracksuit and carrying some kind of cane. "I got all kinds of ladies waitin' to show you a good time, man," he hissed at me. "Desiree, step out here so we's can get a good look." He motioned behind him with his cane, and another figure came into the dim moonlight. She was a tall mantis, in high heels and a halter top that exposed most of her thorax.

I took a step away from the alley, and the roach laughed. "You don't need to worry, ese. She won't bite your head off. Unless you're into that."

I stammered something about having to get home and turned to leave.

"What? She not pretty enough for you?" A trace of anger entered the roach's voice.

"Leave the cricket alone, Manny," the mantis hooker spoke up. "He ain't interested."

"Yeah, maybe he don't like ladies. Hey cricket, do guys make your legs rub together? Or maybe its larvae? Eh, perv? Look at me when I'm talkin' to you!" He was shouting as I ran down the street, and I didn't dare turn back.

More and more of this city was like that nowadays. The whole place needs an exterminator.

Vanity Plates Decoded

Ever see a vanity license plate on the road and then spend the rest of your trip trying to decipher it? Well, here are some of the more common confusing plates and their meanings.

1NYT4U: The driver is willing to sell you a copy of The New York Times.

MT BYKER: The driver or the driver's family is native to the Assyrian region Mount Byker.

ATHDOC: The driver is an atheist doctor.

GVML: In memoriam of Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan.

EZ4U2NV: Here, the driver is stating that it is quite easy to get to Nevada.

VIXEN: Though the final O is left off this plate, I can only assume it means "six (VI) strangers (xeno-)".

Comparing Apples to Oranges

A scientific breakthrough! As many of you know, I have an old gas chromatograph in my cellar, and every once in a while I like to run random samples through it for fun. Last week, I got this idea to see how different apples and oragnes really were to prove whether or not the old adage is true. Like TV's MythBusters, I'm a professional, so don't try this at home!

Case One: McIntosh Apples v. Navel Oranges
I thought I'd start simple. Boy, was I surprised! It turns out that these two fruits are indeed quite similar, as shown in the handy graph below.


Wow! Scientific!

Case Two: Rome Apples v. Blood Oranges
Now these two types are slightly more different, but well within the statistical means of comparison, I think.


Case Three: Horse Apples v. Valencia Oranges
There's quite a difference shown here, mainly because (and I realized this a little too late) horse apples are, in fact, nuggets of horse dung.


I stopped the experiment at this point because I was majorly grossed out. But I think the results speak for themselves!