A Conversation I'll Sadly Never Have

"Let's see here...finally got the Time Phone working...all right, time to test it out...just gotta think of someone to dial up...Oh! I know!"

1-9-9-0

*ring*

*ring*

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is going to sound weird, but trust me on this. I'm you, from like 15 years in the future."

"What?"

"No, don't say anything, just shut up and listen. I don't know how long this connection will last. Plus, I bet the bill is going to be outrageous!!"

"..."

"Fine, whatever. Don't laugh, you little punk. First things first, if a girl comes over and asks you to put handcuffs on her, make something of that opportunity! Christ, at least touch her boobs! What the hell is wrong with you?! Same goes for if a girl decides she'd rather sleep on your floor rather than the couch. I don't care who you think you have a crush on at the time, just DO SOMETHING! Oh, and that reminds me, if you *do* go to college for some kind of science, maybe stick with it...neuroscience is pretty cool...If you're going to get stuck in a soulless job, try to pick one that pays more money. And, finally, for the love of all that is holy, never try to cook pork roll at 2:30 in the morning...Got all that?"

"Uh, yeah? Though it didn't really make a whole lot of--"

"It will. Good luck, young Keeley. Oh, get used to people calling you that."

"Thanks?"

*click*

*ring*

"Huh. That's weird. Guess I better answer it. Hello?"

"Hey! I'm you from the future. Look, even though I know you can't affect past events, I thought I'd call to stop you from wasting your time on building a Time Phone because of, well, that thing I just said."

"Too late."