Truth, for a Change

Lately, people (OK, person) has decried the lack of "real-life" posts on this blog. "What's going on in Keeley's life?" "What's he up to?" and "What, exactly, is wrong with that weirdo?" are just a few of the questions that have popped up. So, I'm setting aside the sleep-deprivation induced fantasies that usually clog this space, to tell you something for true.

I have an Internet crush on the Onion AV Club's Amelie Gillette.

Just read that bio and tell me that's not hawt. And she gets to interview the likes of Lewis Black and Sarah Silverman. So maybe there's a bit of professional jealousy mixed in with these puppy dog eyes. Either way, I present to you:

An Open Love Letter to Amelie Gillette:

Dear Amelie,

Hello. How are you? Let me cut right to the chase and say, dump whoever it is you are seeing now and be with me, for I will Treat You Right.

I'm sure that an Internet personality such as yourself gets a hundred proposals of this nature every day, but hear me out. Sure, maybe you're way out of the league of a schlub like myself, but it won't matter because once we meet, I'm sure you'll see past my scruffy beard and oddly stained Old Navy T-shirts to see the pop-culture loving pseudo-hipster that lies within.

Together, we will go on picnics in the park, delicately feeding each other strange-tasting snack foods from Israel and Korea. You will have a strange compulsion to hog all the prawn crackers, while I try to figure out whether or not the beef-flavored potato chips taste more like Slim Jims or old baseball gloves. Together, we will curl up on the couch watching Boomerang and shaking our heads sadly when The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo comes on, lamenting the sad waste of Vincent Price's talents. Together, we will attend the premiere of the Borat movie, and get drunk with Sascha Cohen afterward on Pims.

We will be happy and the envy of the entire metropolitan area.

And then I will trick you into playing Dungeons & Dragons.