Phlogiston

Monday, July 31, 2006

Kiss Mah Grits

Ok, I don't talk about things that actually happen to me, and when I do, I'm usually lying, but this time, I swear, this is 100% Grade A truth here.

I just talk to the most "Southern" woman in the world. And not in the fancy genteel, Scarlet O'Hara type, either. The Britney Spears' aunt Brandine type.

First of all, before she could ask me her very important question, she had to tell me her entire life story, without pausing for breath, it seems. I had to listen to this for a good three minutes:

"NowAhusedtobuyyerhoroscopemagazineattheWinnDixieyouknow
forthemlotterynumbahsandAhgotallmyfriendstogoalongbutthenthe
WinnDixiequitcarryinthemsothenAhhadtogoovertotheWalmartfor
awhileanAhIgotallmyfriendstogoalongbutthenAhcouldn'tfindthem
anymoresoAhaskedtheladyifAhcouldtalktothemagazinefellerthere
hewasablackmanandhetoldmethathewouldseewhathecoulddobut
thosemagazinesgetsnatchedupassoonastheyhitthemshelves, do you know what I mean?"

First, it was obnoxious. Then it got hilarious. Then she callled me "son," which made it obnoxious again. And all this because she wanted to subscribe. Great, call the right damn number.

Oh, and Incredibly Southern Lady, how are those lottery numbers working out for you? Win any millions yet? I didn't think so.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Macy Gray!

It's the final day of Celebrity Week here at Phlogiston and I was going to end things with a bang, showing my never-before-seen video of me and William H. Macy hanging out together and having a few drinks. But I just received a cease-and-desist order from Mr. Macy's lawyers barring me from ever airing that tape. And to keep 500 feet from Mr. Macy at all times.

Look, Bill (that's what I call him) seemed like a real nice guy. Really real, you know? Not one of those typical Hollywood phonies. I can only speculate that he wouldn't care about this video, but that his handlers (more like controllers) are the ones with their panties in a twist. So what if the two of us get a little "frisky" near the end? Neither of us are gay, just two tipsy guys palling around like guys do. No big deal, so just lighten up people!

Bill, if you're reading this, give me a call or something to let me know that the two of us are cool. Apparently, it would be illegal for me to call you.

Oh, and it occurs to me that the title of this particular post might make people think that its about that lady singer with the huge hair. Sorry for the confusion.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Paparazzi Don't Preach!

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Celebrity Week here on Phlogiston continues apace! Today we have an exclusive interview with photographer of the stars Ernesto Gugliani!

PHLOG: Welcome, Mr. Gugliani. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of snapping photos of celebrities in their most intimate of moments to talk with us.
EG: My pleasure. Please, call me Ernesto.
PHLOG: Sure thing, Ernie. Now...
EG: No, Ernesto.
PHLOG: What?
EG: You called me Ernie. It's Ernesto.
PHLOG: Really? Sorry about that.
EG: No problem.
PHLOG: Now, Ern, who is the biggest celebrity you've ever taken a picture of? Not counting James Coco, of course. *laughs*
EG: Who?
PHLOG: James Coco. He was kind of a big fat...never mind, just answer the question Ernadette.
EG: Ah, that would be the beautiful Angelina Jolie.
PHLOG: Really?
EG: Yes, I managed to get a lovely picture of her sunbathing. Nude. In her shower.
PHLOG: Wowza! You don't happen to have a copy of that on you?
EG: I do!
PHLOG: Hey, hey! This is something else! I...wait a minute, this isn't Angelina Jolie! You just pasted her head onto a recent Playboy spread!
EG: What?! Never!!
PHLOG: And this isn't even Angelina Jolie's face! It kind of looks like...ugh! It is! Steven Tyler!
EG: How dare you! I am a professional!
PHLOG: You're a pervert, more like. Get this thing out of my sight! I've seen more convincing cut-and-paste jobs on a kindergarten classroom wall!
EG: This interview is over!

Mr. Gugliani (if indeed that is his real name) then proceeded to hit me about the head and neck with his camera bag, which burst open revealing that it was not, in fact, filled with camera equipment, but shredded newspaper and apple cores. He then stormed out of the restaurant where we were having lunch, sticking me with the bill.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Item!

The latest juicy gossip from "Hollyweird":
  • Actor and former sane person Tom Cruise was recently spotted in the San Diego Zoo clubbing baby marmosets. After being restrained by zoo workers, Cruise claimed he was "merely getting food for baby Suri."
  • Director M. Night Shyamalan will soon reveal that his directing career actually died in 2001 and has been a ghost this whole time! What a twist!
  • Sexy starlet Scarlett Johansson was IDed last week shopping in London's Harrod's! What was she buying? Maybe a hat?
  • Did you hear what happened to Dave Chappelle? No? Me either.
  • I think I heard once that infamous D-lister Kathy Griffin practices witchcraft! Wouldn't that be weird?

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

'Scuse Me While I Kiss the Sky!

How's this for a hot-ticket item? It seems as though a 40-year old previously unreleased Jimi Hendrix track is going to be auctioned off in October! The song, entitled Station Break, was recorded in 1966 with a number of other tracks, but never made it to any of Hendrix's albums.

And guess what? We've managed to get a sneak peek at the lyrics! Take a look:

The show is over
Fade to black
After these messages,
We'll be right back

Fantastic! I can just imagine Jimi's inimitable guitar stylings in the background!

Rumor has it that ABC will bid on the song for use during its Saturday morning broadcast.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Celebrity Week Begins!

All this week here on Phlogiston, we're going to be dishing out the hottest celebrity gossip--or, as I like to call it, celebrossip! Can't you just feel the magic?!

Here's a little taste of what's to come.
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Like many other celebrities, our favorite man of action, Steven Seagal, has just formed his own band! Will The Facekickers make it big on the music scene? Will they be touring in a town near you?

Find out all this and more this week! On Phlogiston!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Maggie's Caddy

After a particularly stupid fight, Margot Tremont left her mechanic boyfriend to drive to Hollywood. She threw a couple of suitcases into her beat-up car and drove out of Delaware for good.

Somewhere along the way, she stopped at a place called the Midway Diner—one of a dozen locations across the country where reality tends to be a bit thin. And she fell in love.

The pie was delicious, and she had been persuaded by the waitress to wash it down with a tall glass of milk, though she hardly ever drank it these days. With the food in her belly, mixed with the homey atmosphere of the diner, Margot began to think about her parents…her father particuarly. He loved taking the family to places like this, part of his nostalgia for the 50s. Before she turned 12, Margot knew all the words to every Platters song ever recorded, listening to them in her father’s ridiculous Cadillac Coupe de Ville as they cruised the town. She shook her head slowly and smiled in fond remembrance.

Outside, in the parking lot, the air crackled with…possibility.

Margot noticed something odd about her old cabriolet as soon as she got in. The driver’s side seat felt bigger…more roomier. Which, of course, was impossible in the mid-sized car. She shifted a little, got comfortable, and shrugged it off.

She put the key in the ignition, turned it, and flinched a little when the sounds of "Twilight Time" suddenly blasted from her car stereo.

Heavenly shades of night are falling
It's twilight time
Out of the mist your voice is calling
It's twilight time

She turned the music down a few notches and pulled out of the spot, glad that she was finally getting reception out here in the middle of nowhere. She had spent the last few hours on the road with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company. And those went in circles and circles these days.

I count the moments darling
Till you're here with me
Together at last at twilight time

Margot found herself singing along without realizing it, as she maneuvered the car onto the highway. An hour or so passed, one oldie after the other, and eventually Margot’s vocal performance became marred by yawns. "Sleepy," she muttered thickly to herself. And it didn’t look like there was a motel in sight. Rubbing her eyes, she spotted a sign for restrooms a mile or so ahead. She pulled into the small plaza, grabbed a blanket from the back seat, and began to doze off. Hell, truckers did it all the time, right?

The dream was…interesting. There was an old car, all chrome and top down, and there was a man behind the wheel. He looked similar to her New Castle mechanic, all grease-stained overalls and charming smile, and a little bit like an old picture of her father, pompadour hair and cigarette box rolled up in his t-shirt sleeve. And she was standing on the side of the road, sun beating down on her neck. There was a conversation about "needing a ride," in that allegorical way that only comes out of dreams, and she had hopped into the passenger’s seat.

The speed was tremendous, wind whipping her hair and fluttering away at the buttons of her blouse. She felt a tingling sensation at the base of her spine each time he shited gears, which he seemed to do more often than actually possible. The landscape began to blur, or was it that her eyes were rolling back in her head? The engine revved in time with her breath, suddenly heavy. A thin bead of sweat trailed down her collarbone. She let out a cry of intense pleasure, just as she woke to a similar sound echoing over the plains. A bird, most likely.

Margot shook off the dream, used the bathroom quickly, and got back on the road. She didn’t notice the cabriolet’s hood had lengthened and that fins had grown on the trunk.

She did find a motel the next night, but had some trouble sleeping, twisting and turning in the uncomfortable bed. She got up and stood looking out the window down at the moonlit parking lot for a few seconds before grabbing a couple of pillows and climbing into the back seat of her car.
Her license plate now read MAGGI’S.

Margot sped through the countryside. It was just so easy! The slightest touch of her foot to the gas pedal and zoom! To an outside observer (and there weren’t many this day, except a few dimwitted roadrunners), bits of the car seemed to slough off from the acceleration. The sensible dark gray paint job, for instance, was whipped off like a hat in the breeze, revealing a bright pink. And at one point, the top of the car itself simply detached, flew into the bright blue sky, and vanished.
Margot took no notice that she had to shift gears to get the car up to top speed.

Hollywood! Los Angeles! The Dream Factory! Home to thousands of aspiring actress, who were all apparently sitting on the same freeway as Margot and tying up traffic.

Margot honked the horn impatiently. "This is ridiculous," she said to herself. Bobby Darin answered on the radio with "Beyond the Sea." Margot smiled at the idea and managed to squeeze out onto a nearby off-ramp. She navigated the side streets instinctively and soon found herself motoring along the Pacific Coast Highway. She took in the salty sea air and kept driving.

Her and the love of her life.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Rejected Fortune Cookie Messages

...and the reasons why they were rejected.

Let a smile be your pencillin.
[Possible fatal if followed literally]

You need more self-confidence, stupid!
[No exclamation points]

Confucius say, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
[Quote actually attributed to W.C. Fields]

Your wife is sleeping around.
[The truth hurts]

A duck with two beaks eats its own eggs.
[Possibly mistranslated from original Cantonese]

What is best in life is to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.
[Too long]

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Not with a Bang, but a Whimper

Walter Kronoski. Watery gray eyes. Thin lips. A small, sharp nose. Tufts of graying hair just above his ears and not much else. A green sweater vest, threadbare at the elbows. Sensible shoes. Caretaker of the universe.

Walter read the calendar for the third time. There was no mistaking it. Close up in his neat handwriting, penned millennia ago. Nothing else was written in the calendar after that. Walter sighed and got to work.

First to go was time itself, wound back onto its sturdy spool and then rolled into storage. Then the hundreds of millions stars, once they were cool enough to touch, wrapped up and placed in their individual containers. Other planetary bodies came next, jumbled together in a large canister. Walter swept what remained into a dustbin.

Space itself needed folding up, as well. Carefully manipulating the well-worn creases, Walter gave up on the third try, despite a number of unsightly bulges in the fabric.

All of it stored away, Walter let himself out of existence and locked it behind him.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot

With temperatures skyrocketing around the country, it looks like its going to be one of the hottest weeks of the summer. Now, everyone knows that in the winter, the wind chill effects how cold it "feels," but during these dog days, numerous factors come to play to determine what is called the "heat index." Here's a handy formula (adjusted for New York City):

Heat Index = Ambient Temperature +/- Inches Below/Above the Knee of Your Hemline + No. of Cars Idling in the Nearby Streets - MPH of Wind* + [(No. of People Who Forgot to Wear Deodorant Crammed Next to You in the Subway*Percentage of Sweat in the Small of Your Back)*(1+No. of Fires Raging in Your General Vicinity)]

*disregard this number if wind is coming off the East River

Wow, that makes my head spin! It's either that or the sun poisoning! What's the cause of it? Some people, including 10th-level vice president Al Gore, point the finger squarely at global warming. And in response, global warming tries to look innocent, shrugging as if to say, "What did I do?" All the while, its got an empty can of Aqua Net hidden behind its back. The big douche.

Anyway, here are some handy ways that YOU can combat global warming:
  • Only run your air conditioning when you feel like it.
  • Whenever someone mentions that leading scientists believe that the effects of global warming will be irreversible for at least the next 100 years, jam your fingers into your ears and hum loudly.
  • The next time you are at the beach, throw a bunch of ice cubes into the ocean.
  • Remember to always separate your brown glass from your green glass. That's supposed to do something, right?
  • Engineer a plan to free Mr. Freeze from Arkham Asylum and bet him that he can't reduce temperatures the world over by 5 or 10 degrees.
  • Drop into a heat-induced coma and when you wake, the world should be getting steadily colder instead of increasingly warmer. It worked for that lady in that one Twilight Zone episode.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Thought for Food

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Thursday, July 13, 2006

This Day in Alternate History

2002--President Al Gore is tragically crushed by a rogue encroaching glacier during a lecture at the University of Maine.
1972--The Russian space progam begins building the first moon colony, christened New Vladivostok.
1948--Chancellor Adolf Hitler promises financial aid to the impoverished North American Federated States.
1863--In what is believed to be the bloodiest battle of the Civil War, Union forces led by Ulysses S. Grant are triumphant over the Confederate forces and their Martian allies.
1792--The first steam-powered airplane is successfully tested.
1517--As he preaches the evils of papal indlugences, Martin Luther is brutally gunned down by an unknown assassin wielding a .50-caliber rifle.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Rebranding

By now, you'll have noticed a slight change in the site's design. The reason for it is quite simple. In a midnight business deal, Phlogiston and its parent company JöKular were bought out by Time-Warner for quite a substantial amount of money and pornography. Plus, I was having some trouble with the other template.

Nevertheless, I feel like I need to reassure you, my readers, by reprinting the Phlogiston mission statement:

Phlogiston is committed (or it should be, har!) to bringing its nearly half-dozen readers the kind of humor they've come to expect from rejected Somethingawful.com ideas, as well as numerous shoddily fashioned fake photos and at least one reference to an 80s Saturday-morning cartoon per week. If not completely satisfied, please return unused portion for a full refund.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Local Man Brutally Bisects Wife

PERIMETER CITY, FLATLAND (AP) -- Local residents were shocked to learn this morning that one of their neighbors had committed a heinous act during the night. For reasons yet unknown, businessman A. Square, attacked his wife with an acute angle while she slept, visciously cutting her in two. He was then discovered at dawn spinning wildly in the street, covered in his wife's blood and cackling, "It's true! It's true!" Mr. Square was taken away by local police as his neighbors watched. "He seemed like such a nice shape," commented one pentagon, "Always putting his best face forward." Another resident stated, "He'd been rather irregular and on edge as of late, talking about beings from another dimension." Mr. Square is expected to be charged with 45-degree murder and tried in the Euclidean court by the end of the week.

Monday, July 10, 2006

I'm Back!

Where have I been for the past week? Mostly lying face down in the gutter after drinking myself into insensibility. But on the plus side, I've got some new cocktail recipes to show for it.

Rum, White and Blue
2 ounces dark rum
2 ounces blue curacao
2 ounces whole milk
Combine all ingredients in a shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Shake well. Strain through American flag into a highball glass.

Fusty Bucker
1 ounce vodka
1 ounce peach schnapps
3 ounces orange juice
1 orange wedge
Leave orange wedge on counter for 12 hours, then place at bottom of cocktail glass. Pour vodka into cocktail glass. Mix peach schnapps and orange juice in a separate glass. Drink vodka in one gulp, then use the schnapps-orange juice mixture to swallow moldy orange wedge whole.

Bloody Hell
2 ounces gin
3 ounces tomato juice (or V8)
1 cube beef bouillon
1 dash of Worcestershire sauce
1 dash Tabasco sauce
1 squirt Heinz fancy ketchup
1 lemon wedge
Mix all ingredients but gin in a large glass, allowing the bouillon cube to dissolve. Garnish with lemon wedge. Trick some gullible idiot into drinking it while you sip the gin, with tonic, over ice. And laugh. Laugh your head off.

Liver Puncher
2 ounces tequila
2 ounces gin
2 ounces light rum
2 ounces dark rum
2 ounces vodka
2 ounces bourbon
2 ounces Irish whiskey
2 ounces anisette
2 ounces Bailey's Irish cream
1 ounce club soda
Combine all ingredients in an extra-large frosty mug. Shake well, then drink. Wonder where you are when you gain consciousness.