Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot

With temperatures skyrocketing around the country, it looks like its going to be one of the hottest weeks of the summer. Now, everyone knows that in the winter, the wind chill effects how cold it "feels," but during these dog days, numerous factors come to play to determine what is called the "heat index." Here's a handy formula (adjusted for New York City):

Heat Index = Ambient Temperature +/- Inches Below/Above the Knee of Your Hemline + No. of Cars Idling in the Nearby Streets - MPH of Wind* + [(No. of People Who Forgot to Wear Deodorant Crammed Next to You in the Subway*Percentage of Sweat in the Small of Your Back)*(1+No. of Fires Raging in Your General Vicinity)]

*disregard this number if wind is coming off the East River

Wow, that makes my head spin! It's either that or the sun poisoning! What's the cause of it? Some people, including 10th-level vice president Al Gore, point the finger squarely at global warming. And in response, global warming tries to look innocent, shrugging as if to say, "What did I do?" All the while, its got an empty can of Aqua Net hidden behind its back. The big douche.

Anyway, here are some handy ways that YOU can combat global warming:

• Only run your air conditioning when you feel like it.
• Whenever someone mentions that leading scientists believe that the effects of global warming will be irreversible for at least the next 100 years, jam your fingers into your ears and hum loudly.
• The next time you are at the beach, throw a bunch of ice cubes into the ocean.
• Remember to always separate your brown glass from your green glass. That's supposed to do something, right?
• Engineer a plan to free Mr. Freeze from Arkham Asylum and bet him that he can't reduce temperatures the world over by 5 or 10 degrees.
• Drop into a heat-induced coma and when you wake, the world should be getting steadily colder instead of increasingly warmer. It worked for that lady in that one Twilight Zone episode.