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The latest juicy gossip from "Hollyweird":

• Actor and former sane person Tom Cruise was recently spotted in the San Diego Zoo clubbing baby marmosets. After being restrained by zoo workers, Cruise claimed he was "merely getting food for baby Suri."
• Director M. Night Shyamalan will soon reveal that his directing career actually died in 2001 and has been a ghost this whole time! What a twist!
• Sexy starlet Scarlett Johansson was IDed last week shopping in London's Harrod's! What was she buying? Maybe a hat?
• Did you hear what happened to Dave Chappelle? No? Me either.
• I think I heard once that infamous D-lister Kathy Griffin practices witchcraft! Wouldn't that be weird?