New Dance Commander-in-Chief of Phunkistan

Djboogi, Phunkistan (AP) -- After a series of bloody coups and vicious dance-offs, General I. Wanabop has installed himself as the Dance Commander-in-Chief for life of Phunkistan. In a public address held yesterday in the capital city of Djboogi, a representative introduced the new leader, stating, "You must obey the dance commander. You know that he's the only one who gives the orders here." The response was a series of cheers and hoots, with most of the crowd giving the national signal for party unity by raising their hands in the air like they just didn't care. General Wanabop, resplendent in his white velour leisure suit, greeted his people. "I can't hear you!" he shouted, which drew loud whistles from the crowd. He then went on to detail the plan for his new regime. "I wanna make it last forever," he stated confidently.

Update Schedule

What's Coming Up This Week or The Phuture of Phlogiston

Wed. May 31: Humor in Uniform (Crimean War edition)
Thu. June 1: "Writers Write; Artists Art"--an inspirational speech
Fri. June 2: My delicious recipe for catfish gumbo
Sat. June 3: Sure-fire cures for food poisoning
Sun. June 4: A rant about low-flow toilets
Mon. June 5: Blueprints for your very own time machine!
Tue. July 18: "Measure Twice, Cut Once"--a treatise on blueprint errors

Tell It, Al

TV Tonite (1961 edition)

8:00p.m.
(3) THE WESTERNER--Drama
The Westerner finds himself in the town of Drydust Gulch, where the drunk sheriff is under the thumb of a gang of bloodthirsty banditos. Also, the local mine hides a terrifying secret. Special guest star Don Knotts as the Stagecoach Driver.
(5) ONYX SMOOTH UNFILTERED CIGARETTES VARIETY HOUR
(7) SIT DOWN WITH MARSHALL MCLUHAN--Interview
Astronaut Alan B. Shepherd
(8) THE DOCTOR IS IN--Comedy
(10) MISS MYSTERY--Drama
Debut: Small-town girl solved mysteries while working in her father's pawn shop.

Do It Yourself

MADBLOGS!!

Subject: (Noun)
Mood: (Synonym for angsty)
Music: (Indie band only three other people have heard of)

Well another (Adjective) day, and let me tell you I don't know how much longer I take this (Expletive). (Woman's name) was totally up in my (Part of the body) all day. I swear, its like she thinks she owns the (Noun) and she's not even my real (Familial relationship). That's why I bought this (Noun). Next time she pisses me off, I'm totally got to wave it in her face. Man, she'll totally (Inappropriate urban slang). Then we'll see who's in charge.

Oh, and I got my (Part of the body) pierced while I was at the mall. Rock!

Now Get Back to Work!

Technical Support

In the future, all electronics will be wired to communicate with each other and with outside networks, to create lights that dim when you leave a room, refrigerators that order more milk when you run out, and computers that troubleshoot themselves...

"Aztechnology Support. This is Julie speaking. May I have your ident number?"

"You gotta help me!"

"I'd love to, but first I need your ident number."

"AZ-38-4B-11. Oh man, this is not good, not good..."

"Ok, I see here you are registered as Mr. Ronald Tennant's home PC, also known as 'Killa.' Is that correct?"

"Yeah, yeah! Oh Christ, oh man..."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I think I've got a virus! I'm running real sluggish and my boot sector is all scratchy!"

"I see. Have you experienced any difficulty with your peripherals?"

"Uh, yeah! It took me nearly a second to recognize my printer this morning! Aw, fuck, this is serious isn't it?"

"Not necessarily, just calm down. Have you downloaded any suspicious files recently?"

"Um...well...I don't think so..."

"Are you certain?"

"Just *mumblemumblemumble*..."

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."

"Just some Algerian foot fetish pics from an unsecured blackmarket site."

"I see. Well, it is a possibility that a Trojan virus could have been embedded in one of those files. I'm sending you the latest patch to your anti-virus software, which should do the trick. If you are still affected after you reboot, we'll see what other measures are available to us."

"Thank you, thank you!"

"And, of course, by law I have to report your user for perversion and possible criminal activity."

"Damn it."

"Have a nice day!"

Socratic Dialogue

socrateez: got a question for ya

playd'oh: hey soc sup?

socrateez: what is beauty?

playd'oh: yo mama!

socrateez: ΛΟΛ

socrateez: seriously tho, beauty? can u define it?

playd'oh: i guess its something I don't mind lookin at...

socrateez: such as?

playd'oh: like a flower or a painting or, of course, a hot babe!!

socrateez: ok, now say you're a woman, would that babe still be beautiful?

playd'oh: dood, u know i'd still hit it! and you'd want to watch!

socrateez: ΡΟΦΛΜΑΟ you horndog

socrateez: but my point is...is there a single ideal concept of beauty? or is it all in the eye of who's looking?

playd'oh: oh yeah, i see. pretty heavy.

play'doh: oops, gotta run to class. i'll think about this tho...

Expand Your Vocabulary

With phrases that sound like euphemisms for filthy sex acts, but probably aren't:

• German checkers
• Yellow jacket
• St. Vitus's dance
• Nose dive
• Frosty milkshake
• Scatman Carruthers

One Size Fits All

Great new T-shirt for the ladies!

May Contain Peanuts

Soylent Green
Ingredients: Delores Navarro, Dolly Margo Combs, Claud Cleveland, Kay Roberts, Dominique Randall Mitchell, Maxwell Jimenez, Evangelina Riggs, Stefanie Camacho, Wade Donn McBride, Odis Justice, FD&C Red No. 2

This package contains approx 12 servings.

All is Fair

Urlogh peered over the rise at the silvery lake nestled in the valley below. And there, at the edge of the water was the enemy. An elven woman, standing nearly seven feet tall, her violet hair flowing across her shoulders and down her back. She swept her gaze, her eyes alight with nature's grace, around her, but she did not spot the crafty orc in his hiding place. After a moment, she stripped off her leather armor and plunged naked into the lake.

Urlogh sneered and began to descend into the valley. The dainty elf would find quite a surprise waiting for her...

****

Nyalla Whisperwind emerged from the lake and began to dry herself with a piece of soft cloth when she stopped in her tracks. Sitting atop her pack on the shore was a small bundle with a note attached. As she stepped closer, she realized the bundle was actually a handful of flowers and weeds tied together with a crude piece of twine. Dirt still clung to the roots of the plants. And the note was a filthy piece of parchment covered in crude blocky handwriting.

"DO YOU LIKE ME? CHECK YES OR NO."

Expect Delays

Big Willie Style

Bardcore
The Spear Shakers
(50:36)

1. Measure4Measure
2. Tame My Shrew
3. A Midsummer's Night Groove
4. Lost to Love's Labours
5. Two Gentlemen (Verona remix)
6. As U Like It
7. R&J v. A&C
8. Twelfth Night (Without My Baby)
   

Daily Affirmations from the Wasteland

I am a survivor.

I am grateful for each new dawn.

I am committed to the challenge of keeping my only gun clean, oiled, and in functioning condition.

I accept that I do not control when and where the hellish firestorms strike, but choose to do everything in my power to protect myself from them.

I fight the mutant ant-beasts to stay alive because I am worth it.

I practice compassionate concern for my fellow survivors, and will only eat them when our military rations run out.

Let us move forward to the Promised Land where fresh water and iodine tablets flow freely.

Double-Plus Good

Just got my new Identitat in the post today. It's a shame I couldn't afford the Platinum Citizenship package. I hear they let you leave the country now and again with it! Guess I better start saving up plasticreds!



Now none of you go stealing my identity!

Hazy Noir

It was about eleven o'clock in the morning, no wait, I think it was after noon, yeah noon, early September, no actually it was closer to October, I'm pretty sure the leaves had already turned at that point. I was wearing my powder blue suit, actually I think that one was at the cleaners, so it must have been my charcoal suit, with a white shirt, dark tie, black brogues, black wool socks with dark blue clocks on them. Clocks? Do I even own a pair like that? Yeah, of course, they were a birthday present from my Aunt, um, Agatha. I was neat, clean, shaved and sober, I didn't care who knew it. I was everything the well dressed private detective ought to be. I was calling on four or so million dollars.

As I stood in the hallway of the Sternwhite, no, sorry, Sternwood mansion waiting for the butler, I heard some kind of noise, like a creak or a groan, from behind the stairs. It wasn't the butler. It was a girl.

She was, like, twenty, I think, small and delicately put together, but she looked durable. She wore, let's see, a skirt? No it was slacks, probably blue. Her hair was a light brown, cut short, like whaddyacallit? Payboy? No, pageboy. Her eyes were grayish-brownish-green, and had almost no expression as she looked at me. She came over near me and smiled.

She said something like "Tall, aren't you?" to which I replied something pretty witty like, "It's not my fault," only it wasn't that, it was something better. Then I think she called me handsome, to which I grunted, and she asked me my name.

"Reilly," I replied, knowing that much. "Doghouse Reilly."

For Everything Else...

Candles: $40

Incense: $25

Naturally Formed Rose Quartz Prism: $115

Arabic Lessons: $200

Ancient Flesh-Bound Tome Purchased On eBay: $800

Knowing That Which Man Was Not Meant To Know: Priceless

Now with Jojoba

Directions: Wash. Rinse. Repeat exactly 7 times. For best results, use exactly 3.5 gallons of 29.8 degrees Celsius water. Then, touch each of the tiles in your bathroom before rearranging the contents of your medicine cabinet.

Welcome to PrognostiCo

Welcome aboard! This'll be your cubicle, the break room and bathrooms are just down the hall, and we have free donuts every other Friday. Now, if you don't mind stepping into my office for your five-year review...

...hmmm...Well, this is interesting. Looks like you'll be bounced around a couple of departments because of...oh, caught downloading pornography onto your company laptop. Tsk, tsk, that's not good. And you'll also have to go through one of our sexual harrassment seminars, ah, but it looks like you'll turn things around and be a model employee for a few months. Oh, until the incident with the coffee maker. Ugh. Disgusting.

Hrm. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to let you go. It doesn't look like you'll work out here. Sorry about that and good luck in your future endeavors.

Uncanny

I was just tinkering around with one of those South Park character creator thingies, and I gotta say, the little cartoon me bears a striking resemblance to the real me. Here's a couple pics for comparison.


Obviously, the animated version of me. Now, here's a photo taken not too long ago.


Wow!

Place Your Bets

Woodley Park
1st post time (1:35)
1 mile dirt; Open; 4 Year Olds and Up

1. Fasty McGee (1-1)
2. Sharp as a Tack (3-1)
3. Daddy's Little Mistake (10-1)
4. All Lines are Busy (5-1)
5. Fizzy Orange Thing (2-1)
6. Name Deleted for Security Reasons (12-1)
7. Gift Subscription to National Geographic (8-1)
8. A Pale Horse (666-1)

Go Ask Alice

"The Dormouse is asleep again," said the Hatter, and he poured a little hot tea upon its nose.

The Dormouse shook its head impatiently, and said, without opening its eyes, "Of course, of course: just what I was going to remark myself."

"Have you guessed the riddle yet?" the Hatter said, turning to Alice again.

"No, I give it up," Alice replied. "What's the answer?"

"I haven't the slightest idea," said the Hatter.

"Nor I," said the March Hare.

Alice roughly pushed herself away from the table and stood. "That's it!" she cried, her face turning red. "I've had it up to here with this fucking place!" She pointed an accusing finger at the Hatter. "You and your goddamn riddle!" She turned to the March Hare. "And you I should cook up and eat with fucking mint jelly! And this thing," she waved her hand at the Dormouse, "I don't even know with the fuck this thing is! And you lot aren't even the worst of it! Have you even seen that bastard Cheshire Cat? He freaks me right the fuck out." The Hatter moved to speak, but Alice cut him off. "Now you three dickwads tell me how to get out of here, or I swear to God, I will cut off your balls. I am fucking serious."

The Hatter and the March Hare looked nervously at each other, and then back at Alice, whose lips were flecked with spittle. "Through the gate, turn left, and go about a mile down the road. There's a door in the tall oak that should take you straight home," the March Hare said meekly.

Alice stormed off. When she was gone, the Hatter scooped a spoon of sugar into his tea and remarked, "Well, she was quite mad, wasn't she?" The March Hare nodded in agreement.

This Just In!

Final Examination

*click*

"Subject is Caucasian male, between 25 and 28 years of age, 193 pounds. Multiple gunshot wounds to the chest and abdomen, likely cause of death. Additional contusions to the face and neck. Except for a uniform pallor to the skin over the entire body, no other visible sign of injury. Making first incision along the sternum...now cutting open the rib cage...Hmm. Heart has definitely been pierced by several bullets, removing the slugs now. One, two...and three. They appear to be .45 calibre and must have been fired from some distance to remain in the body. Now checking the stomach...there seems to be the remnants of some buckshot, as from a shotgun blast, within the cav--Agh! Sorry, the subject's arms slipped off the table and brushed against my leg. Gave me a bit of a scare. As I was saying, there is shot--What the hell?! Christ, no! This can't be happening! Let go of me! Help! HELP!! AIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!"

*sounds of low moaning and crunching bones*