Checklist

Getting ready to leave for a weekend camping trip! Let me make sure I've got everything I'll need:

• Sleeping bag
• Pillow
• New boots
• Hunks of meat
• Booze
• Jenga tower (good emergency fuel source)
• Sword
• Cape
• Puffy shirt
• Tight velvet leggings
• Bear repellent
• Raccoon repellent
• Squirrel repellent
• Binoculaurs
• Walking stick
• Pool cue
• Kerosene lamp
• Flashlight
• Flare gun
• Squirt gun
• Actual gun

Ok, that should do it. Now I just have to wait for my limo to arrive...

final nicoel nickname of the day: Lickety Split

From Dellarte Drinks

Introducing
HARLEQUINADE!

Pantaloons drooping? Whiteface smeared? Japes lost their jibe?

Then try the only sports drink fortified with vitamins and buffoonery! Endorsed by jester, clowns, and merry andrews all over the world!

Available in three stupidly delicious flavors: Zany Zest, Jackpudding, and Pickle Herring!

Look for the diamond-patterned bottle at a store near you!



nicoel nickname of the day: Cabbage Patch

Halloweenie

With Halloween a month away, stores are of course beginning to sell costumes. Especially costume shops. I was browsing through one of these stores on Fifth Avenue last night and noticed a plethora of "sexy" costumes for ladies that accentuated the midriff and bosom. And while there were plenty of sexy nurses, sexy maids, and sexy vampires, they were kind of on the expensive side. Luckily, the bargain bin had a few sexy costumes in it too...

• Sexy accountant
• Hot parking valet
• Erotic fish gutter
• Sultry Wookiee
• Luscious hot dog
• Alluring (and sexy) fetus
• Foxy Brown

nicoel nickname of the day: Benny and the Jets

Dead Letter Office

Nodding to the officers in the hallway, Detective M sidled through the apartment door and surveyed the crime scene. It was quite a sight. Furniture overturned and broken. Blood splattered everywhere. And in the middle of it, the unfortunate victim. The detective turned to the sergeant who had discovered the body.

"Why'd you call me into this, 3? She looks like a naught to me," he gestured toward the corpse and popped a piece of nicotine gum into his mouth.

"Don't be so sure, detective." The sergeant bent down and lifted up the numeral's slash easily.

"Holy..." Detective M trailed off.

"I'd say some digit found out this O was masquerading and was pretty pissed off about it."

"Good point, sarge." The detective flicked on his radio. "Better bring in the usual suspects. Put out an APB on 7, the 11 twins, and that weirdo 3 who's always pretending to be an E."



nicoel nickname of the day: Water Rat

Misquotes of the Day

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a T.G.I. Friday's and kill him."
Mark Twain

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go to Cracker Barrel."
Philip K. Dick

"Subdue your appetites, my dears, and you've conquered Stuckey's."
Charles Dickens

"To know the road ahead, ask those coming back from Chili's."
Chinese proverb

True, so true.



nicoel nickname of the day: Sunday School

Hilarious?

The following picture appears when you do a Google image search for "hilarious":


*shudder* That's not hilarious, that is simply terrifying. I can hear the faint echo of ghostly children giggling when I look at that picture. And that shadow is so sinister! I bet if you had that thing in your house and after you go into the kitchen for a soda, it's moved like an inch or two, but not so much as you would notice right away and then you realize that sock monkey is no longer hanging onto the boy's back! WHERE DID IT GO? JESUS CHRIST, SOMETHING'S ON THE CEILING!!! AIIEEE!!!

*heebiejeebies*


nicoel nickname of the day: P-Moop

A Taste of Logic

Here's a little sampling of the kind of stuff I work at on a daily basis. Can you puzzle out the solution?

Oh, yeah, it's a puzzle about people running a marathon in silly costumes.

1. Katherine finished exactly 5 minutes after the runner who previously participated in exactly one more marathon than the person whose number is exactly 2 lower than the number given to the one sponsored by Labyrinth Books. The runner surnamed Geller previously ran in exactly one marathon fewer than the person whose number is exactly 1 higher than the one who finished exactly 10 minutes before the runner who wore the chicken costume.
2. The runner who dressed as a Viking previously ran in exactly one marathon fewer than the person who finished exactly 5 minutes after the one whose number is exactly 1 higher than the runner surnamed Jabez's number. The runner surnamed Maguire finished exactly 20 minutes after the person who previously ran in exactly four more marathons than the one whose number is exactly 4 higher than the person surnamed Maguire's number.
3. The runner sponsored by Tress Salon previously ran in exactly one marathon fewer than the person whose number is exactly 2 higher than the number of the one who finished exactly 10 minutes after the runner surnamed Stockman. Nick previously ran in exactly three more marathons than the person whose number is exactly 3 lower than the number of the runner who finished exactly 15 minutes after Nick.
4. The runner who dressed as Superman finished exactly 5 minutes before the person whose number is exactly 2 lower than the number of the one who previously ran in exactly two more marathons than the competitor who wore Zee running shoes. Quincy finished exactly 5 minutes after the runner whose number is exactly 1 lower than the number of the one who previously ran in exactly one marathon fewer than the person who wore Rath running shoes.
5. The person who wore Dio running shoes finished exactly 10 minutes before the one who previously ran in exactly two fewer marathons than the runner whose number is exactly 2 lower than the number of the competitor who dressed as Elvis. The number given to the runner sponsored by Arcady Diner is exactly 2 higher than the number given to the one who finished exactly 5 minutes before the person who ran in exactly one more marathon than Harold.
6. The runner surnamed Brotsky's number is exactly 2 higher than the number given to the one who ran in exactly one more marathon than the person who finished exactly 15 minutes before the competitor sponsored by Dynamo Power (who dressed as either Elvis or Superman). The runner sponsored by Pinpoint Tailors finished exactly 10 minutes before the person whose number is exactly 2 lower than the number of the one who ran in exactly two more marathons than the competitor sponsored by Pinpoint Tailors.
7. Are you still reading this? Most sane people have given up by this point, as this puzzle is more confusing than most of the longer IRS forms. I mean, I work on these things every day, and even I think this puzzle is hard.
8. Look, to be perfectly honest, you can't solve this puzzle. I've left out a couple of crucial pieces of information, just to torture you. And are you really that concerned with these fictional idiots that you just have to know which one wore what brand of running shoe? I mean, COME ON! GET A LIFE!!

nicoel nickname of the day: VV

Dread

A recap of a spooky game I played this weekend. As prose, it's not a work of art, but you can go bite me.


nicoel nickname of the day: Argle Bargle

From the Desk of...Dr. Danger

To do:

• Put out want ads for new henchmen
• Buy mutated piranha food
• Pick up cloak from dry cleaners
• Replace neutron transistors in death ray (Radio Shack?)
• Fix trapdoor-release mechanism
• Kill do-gooder nemesis
• Call cable company (coupon!)

nicoel nickname of the day: Sloppy Jane

His Bark is Worse Than His Bolt

nicoel nickname of the day: Farnsworth

IMPORTANT AND CONFIDENTIAL

MR. SKYWALKER,

I AM OCTAVIUS TYREE, THE PERSONAL ATTORNEY TO DARTH VADER, LORD OF THE SITH, HERE IN AFTER SHALL BE REFERRED TO AS MY CLIENT. MONTHS AGO, MY CLIENT AND HIS COUNTLESS CLONE STORMTROOPERS WERE KILLED IN THE DESTRUCTION OF THE FAMED DEATH STAR BY REBEL SOLDIERS.

SINCE THEN I HAVE MADE SEVERAL INQUIRIES THROUGHOUT THE GALAXY TO LOCATE ANY OF MY CLIENT'S EXTENDED RELATIVES, WHICH UNTIL NOW HAS PROVED ABORTIVE. AFTER MUCH RESEARCH, I UNCOVERED THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME. I HAVE CONTACTED YOU TO ASSIST IN REPATRIATING THE FUND VALUED AT 122,000,000 IMPERIAL CREDITS LEFT BEHIND BY MY CLIENT BEFORE IT GET CONFISCATED OR DECLARED UNSERVICEABLE BY THE FIRST BANK OF ENDOR, WHERE THIS HUGE AMOUNT WAS DEPOSITED.

THEREFORE, ON RECEIPT OF YOUR POSITIVE RESPONSE, WE SHALL THEN DISCUSS THE PERCENTAGE THAT IS COMMING TO ME AFTER THE MONEY IS BEEN CREDITTED INTO YOUR CHOSEN ACCOUNT AND THE MODALITIES FOR SHARING IS AS FOLLOWS: 40% SHALL BE FOR ME AND 40% FOR YOU AND 20% WILL BE ALLOCATED FOR THE EXPENCES BOTH PARTIES INCURRED TO MAKING THIS TRANSACTION A SUCCESS.

I CAN ASSIST IN PROCURING THE NECESSARY INFORMATION AND LEGAL DOCUMENTS THAT MAY BE NEEDED TO ACTUALISE THIS PROPOSAL. ALL I REQUIRE FROM YOU IS YOUR HONEST CO-OPERATION TO ENABLE US SEE THIS TRANSACTION THROUGH. I GUARANTEE THAT THIS WILL BE EXECUTED UNDER A LEGITIMATE PLATFORM THAT WILL PROTECT YOU FROM ANY BREACH OF GALACTIC LAW.

UPON YOUR ACCEPTANCE TO ASSIST PLEASE SEND ME THE FOLLOWING FOR THE SERIOUS DISCUSSION: 1) YOUR FULL NAMES, 2) AGE, 3) CONTACT ADDRESS, 4) OCCUPATION, AND
5) HOME COORDINATES

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS TRANSACTION MUST REMAIN CONFIDENTIAL AT ALL COST.

REGARDS



nicoel nickname of the day: The Funky Phantom

Word of the Yesterday

decillion (di sil'yen) n. A cardinal number represented in the U.S. by 1 followed by 33 zeros, and in Great Britain by 1 followed by 60 zeros.

"When I ordered us a decillion pencils, I didn't think it would be this many!"
"You fool! That was a British office supply company!"




nicoel nickname of the day: Tina Ballerina

Diplomatic Impunity

A well-armored emissary strides into the Thane's Hall, followed by a number of lackeys struggling to carry some large barrels.

The Thane speaks, "Ach, lads what do we have here? By mah grandfather's beard, 'tis one of Trimarco's men. Ah'd recognize that sword-an-drumstick banner anywhere! Wha does his leerin' lordship want this time? An expedition? Lookin' fer more land to tuck under his already vast belt, no doubt. Fine, yes, what's wit tha casks, lad? Ale, you say? Whiskey, you say? Well, don't jus stand there like a tadger, bring 'em ovah here! Better not be any o' that watered-down naff some o' your people call beer. Ahhhhh....stout! 'Tis surely the elixir o' the gods. You can go back an tell yer boss, and his barely-dressed barbarian friend--what's up wit that, anyway?--tell yer boss that the dwarves of Keeleygard are behind him, one hundred percent. Until the beer runs out. Ach, he knows our usual terms. An make sure he unnerstans that mah men will be lookin for bosoms as well! Now off wit ye!"



nicoel nickname of the day (well, Friday): chiXXorZ

The Care and Feeding of Your New Universe

Habitat
Keep your universe in a cool, dark place. Don't worry, a healthy universe will be able to produce just about everything it needs to survive!

Feeding
However, you will need to introduce new energy into your universe around every thousand years, or else it will eventually experience catastrophic entropy (or "heat death"). Acceptable forms of energy include heat, light, and lettuce.

Handling
While you are free to pick up and examine your universe at any time, you should refrain from interfering with it. A universe's natural laws are both complex and beautiful, and don't require you mucking about with them. NEVER shake your universe.

Common Problems
Your universe might, over time, develop sentient life. Do not worry, this absolutely normal though quite rare. However, no matter how adorable or misguided this sentient life may look, you must never make your presence known to it as this could cause a major theological error, which will void your universe's warranty.



nicoel nickanme of the day: K.C. (note: the rest of the table was referred to as "Sunshine Band")

I See...a Prosthetic Hand in Your Future

nicoel nickname of the day: Mrs. Emma Peel

The Lost Modules

CPA1--The Duchy of Deloitte Touche
CPA2--Glory and Equity
CPA3--Against the IRS

YUM1--Into the Ruins of Bourguignonne
YUM2--The Forgotten Temple of Taramasalata
YUM3--The Sinister Secret of Saltimbocca
YUM4--The Lich of Mulligatawny

HUH1--The Slave Pits of the Fate's Eye of Danger
HUH2--The Riddle of the Two Hundred Gods' Tombs Under the City of a Thousand Dreams
HUH4--The Forgotten Wars of the Golden Hearthstone Beyond the Vales of Flaming Darkness
HUH8--The Dragon's Crown of Arcane Gambit in the Night of the Unknown Horror
HUH125--The Return of the Curse of the Creature's Ghost



nicoel nickname of the day: Shawshank

September is National Nickname Month

I'm back. And chock full of stupid ideas.

Case in point:

Each weekday this month, I'll be referring to my coworker (and occasional poster here) nicoel by a different nickname. Even if either of us isn't actually at work. I'll be coming up with each nickname on the fly, so I guarantee that most of them won't make any sense at all. And I'll post each nickname here on the blog (as part of my other updates).

So without further ado, I present
nicoel nickname of the day: Frankenberry

Oh, and she has no idea I'm doing this. Until she reads this, of course.