Pain Don't Hurt

Perhaps, like me, you enjoy video games. Perhaps, like me, you keep abreast of the latest in video game news. Perhaps, like me, you found the announcement of a Dirty Dancing video game to be simultaneously hilarious, confusing, and completely true.

And, perhaps, like me, you'd rather play this game:

Remembering Memories of Memorial Day

Yesterday was Memorial Day, so I took the day off from blogging to do some barbecue and sunshine-related activities. But that doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you, dear audience. I combed through some old photo albums of holidays past to bring you the gems of Memorial Days past.

Sadly, I don't have a scanner, so I'm going to have to describe these pictures to you.

May 25, 1981: My six-year-old self is apparently at some kind of picnic. I am enjoying a slice of watermelon. Look at the huge smile on my sticky face!

May 28, 1984: Ah, yes. I remember this summer as my "dinosaur T-shirt" phase. Here I am in a "King of the Dinos" shirt emblazoned with a T. Rex. A couple of watermelon seeds are stuck to my chin.

May 28, 1990: Another picnic. I must have gotten a really bad sunburn this year, because my skin is as red as a watermelon! The inside part, of course.

May 25, 1992: At the beach this time. Being 17, I tried to stay as far from my parents and hang out with my friends, but my mom managed to snap this photo of a group of us playing volleyball. No watermelon in sight. I think it was a bad year for the fruit.

May 29, 2000: The first Memorial Day barbecue I hosted on my own at my own place. People seem a little upset in this photo. Oh, right. I think everyone was a little disappointed in the grilled watermelon burgers. Yeah, they could have been a little juicier.

May 29, 2006: I took a trip that long weekend to melon country. This one is of me in a wacky watermelon-shaped hat.

Hope you had a Happy Watermelon Day this year!!

WARNING: Science Content!

Name: Keelium
Symbol: Ke
Atomic Number: 132
Chemical Series: Geekinides
Appearance: Hairy
Standard Atomic Weight: None of your business!
Standard State: New York
Density: Yes
Boiling Point: When the "express line" isn't
Melting Point: Romantic candles and Kenny G CD
Crystal Structure: Lite
Uses: None known as of yet

I Swear This Is True

Touch Not the Cat

Best. Title. Ever.

The plot has something to do with the hilariously named Duke of Efington being forced to marry Scottish lass Catherine in order to "break the curse of the grimalkin." The definitions for the word grimalkin include "a cat" or "an ill-tempered old woman." So this book is either about love overcoming the barrier between species (Scottish furries!) or some kind of metaphor about keeping the romance alive after marriage. Either way, it looks like an awesome piece of literature!

Incredibly Pale Ale

To Serve (and Protect) Man

Twilight Zone Police Department
Daily Blotter Sept. 22, 1963

9:43 a.m. Responded to report of accident at 111 Sohl Ave. Officers at the scene had to calm the wife of the victim, who had fallen down the stairs to his death. The wife claimed that her daughter's Talky Tiny doll had killed her husband and was threatening her. Paramedics on the scene adminstered sedatives to the woman.

11:22 a.m. Reports of a drunk and disorderly customer at Ray's Pub on Bradbury Rd. Officers escorted a tall caucasian man from the premises. The man claimed that he had been a successful jockey only the previous day, when he wished to be a "big man." The suspect was detained at the station overnight to sleep off his alcoholic stupor.

1:07 p.m. Investigated reports of neighboring town disappearing. Officers found only cornfields where the town was reported to be.

3:59 p.m. Reported noise violation at the Johnson Rest Home for the Aged. Officers report that the building was crowded with young kids playing kick the can.

8:31 p.m. After receiving a tip from the hotel's laundry man, officers report to Carson House only to find a grisly quadruple murder-suicide. Officers confiscate items recently stolen from a nearby antique store at the scene.

Menu? I Hardly Know You

The Waterdeep Grill

Soups and Salads
Tojinda Bisque
Shambling Mound with Vinaigrette

Entrees
Seared Owlbear with Chestnut Glaze
Blackened Ankheg on Radish-Infused Risotto
Ground Dragonne Dumplings in Plum Sauce
Roasted Manticore au Jus
Pan Seared Arrowhawk and Wheat Fritters

Desserts
Black Pudding Mousse
Raspberry Ice Mephit Cream
Death by Chocolate Tarrasque

Cowboy Up and Out

I'm playing in some cowboy game tonight, so I thought up (and rejected) some Western-style character names.

• Sugartits McGillicuty
• Long Dong Silverado
• Dusty Berkowitz
• Lil' Cowflop
• The Puncher
• Big Chief Napsalot
  

Sherwoodsman

Erratica

Here's an excerpt from my latest romance novel, Stranglers in Paradise.

"My deer," he said, the moonlight playing across his ayes, "I couldn't wait to see you again." He took her in his alms and lightly kissed her lisps. Then, just before releasing her, he slid his hand up her thy and under the edge of her red silt nightshirt. He reached around, cupped one of her checks and squeezed it hard. She squealed in delite.

Hot stuff, huh? Coming soon to a booksmeller near you!

Happy Belated

Holy crap, I just today realized that I missed this blog's one-year blogaversary! I am such a bad blog parent. My blog is going to grow up and have all sorts of blog-esteem issues. It'll probably have to go to blogerapy for years before it can forgive me. Oh great, now I have Cat Stevens' "Cat's in the Cradle" running through my head. *sniff*

My blog was just like me, it grew up just like me...

Anyway, to celebrate this possibly momentous occasion, and to herald what I hope will be a return to regular posting, here is some more list-based comedy you've come to know and love!

Things That Have Changed Since I Started This Blog

• I moved from Manhattan to Queens, but I still haven't told that loan shark from whom I borrowed a few thousand dollars. Suck on it, Vinnie!
• I think, maybe, that I lost a couple of pounds. Not carrying around that bowling ball every single day seemed to help, though.
• New shoes!
• A dark, swirling miasma of eldritch energy now circles my office building. I think it may be why the elevators here are so unreliable.
• For some reason, I can now no longer stand the taste, smell, or sight of lime Jell-O.
• The world's water level raised 0.00000014 centimeters.
• I made incredible progress on developing Grand Unified Theory, but then I got drunk, fell down some stairs, and forgot it.
• We're all one year closer to death!