Rejected McSweeney's Articles (a McSweeney's-style list)

• "An Alphabetical List of Little-Known Cancers"
• "Open Letters to My Shoes"
• "Items from the North Pole Police Blotter"
• "BUZZ: The Onomatopoeia Story"
  
• "A Very Impractical Problem-Solving Guide"
• "Fictional People Do Things Completely Out of Character"
• "Some Guy You Never Heard Of Writes, Like, Seven Words"
  

Dethember Approacheth

Start craning your neck skywards now to save time!

December 2006 Calendar of Celestial Events

Dec. 5 -- Full moon. Be sure to shake your head and say "It takes all kinds, huh?"

Dec. 14 -- Geminids meteor shower. Much cooler than that pussy-ass Leonid meteor shower. Leonid? More like Lame-o-nid!

Dec. 20 -- The winter solstice and a new moon! Turn off all your lights to experience the longest evening of utter darkness just like your primitive tree-dwelling ancestors.

Dec. 25 -- The return of Jesus.

Komedy Kaucus

Now that I'm back (by the way, thanks to cawshis and jimbles for blowing my cover! Nice going, guys!!), I'd like to talk about an important issue.

Can we, as a nation, please put a stop to the jokes of the "today is so different from 1991: back then, a Bush was in the White House and we were in a war in Iraq, etc etc" variety. Har, har, we get it already. History repeats itself. Except for the fact that our current Bush is in his second term, and this current war in Iraq has lasted approximately a million times longer than Operation: Desert Storm. So let's try something new, eh?

Apologies

Sorry for not updating more regularly. I was mistakenly recruited into an international espionage game of cat-and-mouse with a bald Cossack named Sergei. I've only just now returned Stateside with the microfilm. I expect there will be a few more days of CIA debriefing before I can get back to zany posting. Thanks for your patience.