Phlogiston

Why IMDB is so awesome

2007-10-05T11:32:00.001-04:00

No lie, here is a list of just some of the "plot keywords" listed in the Internet Movie Database for the probably deservedly straight-to-DVD sequel Wrong Turn 2: Dead End:

Childbirth
Shot in the Chest
Torso Cut in Half
Exploding Body
Flyswatter
Jump from Height
Spear
Shot in the Eye
Campfire
Axe in the Head
Vegan
Mutant
Boyfriend Girlfriend Relationship
Hit in Groin
Lesbian
Urination Scene
Ford Mustang
West Virginia
Blood Drinking
Violence
Tied to Chair
Blow Job
Bear Trap
Gore
Cannibal
Spitting Blood
Hung Upside Down
Number in Title

Wow! Now that's how you sell a movie!

Wikispices

2007-09-24T16:34:00.000-04:00

Spice (disambiguation)

Spice usually means a pungent or aromatic vegetable substance, as pepper or cinnamon, used to season food. It can also refer to the following:

Science and Nature

A spicebush is an aromatic North American shrub, Lindera benzoin, with small yellow flowers.

Music

The Spice Girls were an English all-female pop group in the 1990s. Their members included Baby Spice, Ginger Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and Sporty Spice.

Television, Movies, and Literature

"Spice" is the colloquial term for the substance needed by the navigators of the Spacing Guild for interstellar travel in the novel Dune by Frank Herbert and the subsequent movie and made-for-TV movies.
If there isn't a pornography channel or production company called Spice, then I'll eat my hat.

Computers (probably)

SPICE is a powerful circuit simulator with many capabilities. Apparently.

Cuisine

There have to be like a thousand restaurants across the country called Spice, and they all offer an "exciting modern atmosphere for the discerning diner." Yeah, right.

College

Did you know that the Stanford Program on International and Cross-cultural Education (SPICE) was named the winner of the 2007 Franklin R. Buchanan Prize? Me either.

Lady Chatterley's Robot

2007-09-20T15:39:00.000-04:00

"And a woman had to yield. A robot was simple with its programming. A woman had to yield it what it wanted, or as like it would probably turn nasty and go on a killing rampage. But a woman could yield to a robot without yielding her inner, free self. That the engineers and talkers about sex did not seem to have taken sufficiently into account. A woman could be taken by a robot without really giving herself away. Certainly she could be taken without giving herself into its electronic power. Rather she could use this sex thing to have her own kind of electronic power. For she only had to hold herself back in sexual intercourse, and let it finish and expend itself without herself coming to the crisis: and then she could prolong the connection and achieve her orgasm and her crisis while it was merely her tool. Her robotic tool."

Monkey Trial!

2007-08-23T13:56:00.001-04:00

Top Ten Signs That You Might Be Very Lazy

2007-08-14T15:07:00.001-04:00

10. You like milkshakes only because most ice cream is "too hard to chew."
9. You hire a valet exclusively to tell your butler what to do.
8. You develop telekinetic powers so you don't have to get up off the couch.
7. You call a taxi to take you to pick up the newspaper at the end of your driveway.
6. You start reading books, but don't get much further than the second or third word. In the title.
5. Procrastination is way too much work for you.
4. The Chinese takeout place is surprised when you don't call them for dinner.
3. Ah, forget it.
2.
1.

Lost and Found

2007-08-01T15:39:00.001-04:00

This past weekend, I went hiking and I found an awesome digital camera just lying on the trail! It was in great condition, and it had a memory card inside. Four photos were on the card, and I gotta say, they're pretty atmospheric. But isn't there something a little creepy about that last pic?

Read All About It

2007-07-03T11:36:00.000-04:00

Actual headlines I have seen lately:

Price of Machetes Drops After Elections
Woman Still Likes Gorilla Despite Attack
Man Busted While Drunk Driving in Wheelchair
Organ Donor Show to Go On Despite Criticism
Officials Order Expo Crown to Clap, Have Fun
Man Set for Execution Wants to Die Laughing

Roll For Initiative

2007-06-28T10:38:00.001-04:00

For that special someone who is dating the dude who makes your 7th-level halfling fighter's life a living hell.

OR

Join the Smarmy!

2007-06-20T15:51:00.000-04:00

Be a part of the United States Smarmy and become one of the best-trained, most dedicated, and oiliest Servile Officer in the world. The Smarm Forces of this great country are prepared to obsequiosly serve our country's self-interests whenever and wherever they are needed.

Join today and receive two years of sanctimonious training and up to $50,000 in unctuous benefits!

Any way you serve, you are smarmy strong.

You Can Really Taste the Kale

2007-06-12T14:27:00.000-04:00

Another folder from the "Yes, this is actually true" file.

Ice Cucumber Pepsi

Seems like its a Japan-only product, but we here in the States can look forward to these other delicious beverages from the Pepsi-Cola Corporation:

Mountain Dew Code Radiccio
Aquafina Sparkling Water Chestnut
Caffeine Free Pepsi Wild Escarole
Lipton Brisk Yam Tea
Sorrel Mist
Okrade

Refreshing!

Self-Defining Words

2007-06-06T15:29:00.000-04:00

recursive adj. see recursive

tautology n. needless repetition of an idea in different words, or a phrase that states the same thing twice

pleonasm n. the use of one or more or several words (or word-parts) than are completely and absolutely necessary to fully and clearly express a thought, idea, or concept

I CAN HAS PHILOSOFEE?

2007-06-05T16:03:00.000-04:00

So Tired

2007-06-04T16:39:00.000-04:00

...stick figure does a backflip onto a motorcycle blue city in flames dinosaurs stop the same house over and over again ouija board porn a credit card beeps covered in blood the troll gets called into the human resources office and super soldiers give a pop quiz to a giant flying alien...

And that's just in the webcomics I read today.

Pain Don't Hurt

2007-05-31T13:18:00.000-04:00

Perhaps, like me, you enjoy video games. Perhaps, like me, you keep abreast of the latest in video game news. Perhaps, like me, you found the announcement of a Dirty Dancing video game to be simultaneously hilarious, confusing, and completely true.

And, perhaps, like me, you'd rather play this game:

Remembering Memories of Memorial Day

2007-05-29T16:38:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was Memorial Day, so I took the day off from blogging to do some barbecue and sunshine-related activities. But that doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you, dear audience. I combed through some old photo albums of holidays past to bring you the gems of Memorial Days past.

Sadly, I don't have a scanner, so I'm going to have to describe these pictures to you.

May 25, 1981: My six-year-old self is apparently at some kind of picnic. I am enjoying a slice of watermelon. Look at the huge smile on my sticky face!

May 28, 1984: Ah, yes. I remember this summer as my "dinosaur T-shirt" phase. Here I am in a "King of the Dinos" shirt emblazoned with a T. Rex. A couple of watermelon seeds are stuck to my chin.

May 28, 1990: Another picnic. I must have gotten a really bad sunburn this year, because my skin is as red as a watermelon! The inside part, of course.

May 25, 1992: At the beach this time. Being 17, I tried to stay as far from my parents and hang out with my friends, but my mom managed to snap this photo of a group of us playing volleyball. No watermelon in sight. I think it was a bad year for the fruit.

May 29, 2000: The first Memorial Day barbecue I hosted on my own at my own place. People seem a little upset in this photo. Oh, right. I think everyone was a little disappointed in the grilled watermelon burgers. Yeah, they could have been a little juicier.

May 29, 2006: I took a trip that long weekend to melon country. This one is of me in a wacky watermelon-shaped hat.

Hope you had a Happy Watermelon Day this year!!

WARNING: Science Content!

2007-05-24T16:30:00.000-04:00

Name: Keelium
Symbol: Ke
Atomic Number: 132
Chemical Series: Geekinides
Appearance: Hairy
Standard Atomic Weight: None of your business!
Standard State: New York
Density: Yes
Boiling Point: When the "express line" isn't
Melting Point: Romantic candles and Kenny G CD
Crystal Structure: Lite
Uses: None known as of yet

I Swear This Is True

2007-05-23T16:32:00.000-04:00

Touch Not the Cat

Best. Title. Ever.

The plot has something to do with the hilariously named Duke of Efington being forced to marry Scottish lass Catherine in order to "break the curse of the grimalkin." The definitions for the word grimalkin include "a cat" or "an ill-tempered old woman." So this book is either about love overcoming the barrier between species (Scottish furries!) or some kind of metaphor about keeping the romance alive after marriage. Either way, it looks like an awesome piece of literature!

Incredibly Pale Ale

2007-05-22T17:03:00.001-04:00

To Serve (and Protect) Man

2007-05-21T15:35:00.001-04:00

Twilight Zone Police Department
Daily Blotter Sept. 22, 1963

9:43 a.m. Responded to report of accident at 111 Sohl Ave. Officers at the scene had to calm the wife of the victim, who had fallen down the stairs to his death. The wife claimed that her daughter's Talky Tiny doll had killed her husband and was threatening her. Paramedics on the scene adminstered sedatives to the woman.

11:22 a.m. Reports of a drunk and disorderly customer at Ray's Pub on Bradbury Rd. Officers escorted a tall caucasian man from the premises. The man claimed that he had been a successful jockey only the previous day, when he wished to be a "big man." The suspect was detained at the station overnight to sleep off his alcoholic stupor.

1:07 p.m. Investigated reports of neighboring town disappearing. Officers found only cornfields where the town was reported to be.

3:59 p.m. Reported noise violation at the Johnson Rest Home for the Aged. Officers report that the building was crowded with young kids playing kick the can.

8:31 p.m. After receiving a tip from the hotel's laundry man, officers report to Carson House only to find a grisly quadruple murder-suicide. Officers confiscate items recently stolen from a nearby antique store at the scene.

Menu? I Hardly Know You

2007-05-17T15:54:00.000-04:00

The Waterdeep Grill

Soups and Salads
Tojinda Bisque
Shambling Mound with Vinaigrette

Entrees
Seared Owlbear with Chestnut Glaze
Blackened Ankheg on Radish-Infused Risotto
Ground Dragonne Dumplings in Plum Sauce
Roasted Manticore au Jus
Pan Seared Arrowhawk and Wheat Fritters

Desserts
Black Pudding Mousse
Raspberry Ice Mephit Cream
Death by Chocolate Tarrasque

Cowboy Up and Out

2007-05-16T17:08:00.000-04:00

I'm playing in some cowboy game tonight, so I thought up (and rejected) some Western-style character names.

Sugartits McGillicuty
Long Dong Silverado
Dusty Berkowitz
Lil' Cowflop
The Puncher
Big Chief Napsalot

Sherwoodsman

2007-05-15T16:02:00.000-04:00

Erratica

2007-05-14T16:36:00.000-04:00

Here's an excerpt from my latest romance novel, Stranglers in Paradise.

"My deer," he said, the moonlight playing across his ayes, "I couldn't wait to see you again." He took her in his alms and lightly kissed her lisps. Then, just before releasing her, he slid his hand up her thy and under the edge of her red silt nightshirt. He reached around, cupped one of her checks and squeezed it hard. She squealed in delite.

Hot stuff, huh? Coming soon to a booksmeller near you!

Happy Belated

2007-05-03T16:14:00.000-04:00

Holy crap, I just today realized that I missed this blog's one-year blogaversary! I am such a bad blog parent. My blog is going to grow up and have all sorts of blog-esteem issues. It'll probably have to go to blogerapy for years before it can forgive me. Oh great, now I have Cat Stevens' "Cat's in the Cradle" running through my head. *sniff*

My blog was just like me, it grew up just like me...

Anyway, to celebrate this possibly momentous occasion, and to herald what I hope will be a return to regular posting, here is some more list-based comedy you've come to know and love!

Things That Have Changed Since I Started This Blog

I moved from Manhattan to Queens, but I still haven't told that loan shark from whom I borrowed a few thousand dollars. Suck on it, Vinnie!
I think, maybe, that I lost a couple of pounds. Not carrying around that bowling ball every single day seemed to help, though.
New shoes!
A dark, swirling miasma of eldritch energy now circles my office building. I think it may be why the elevators here are so unreliable.
For some reason, I can now no longer stand the taste, smell, or sight of lime Jell-O.
The world's water level raised 0.00000014 centimeters.
I made incredible progress on developing Grand Unified Theory, but then I got drunk, fell down some stairs, and forgot it.
We're all one year closer to death!

Happy Valumtimes Day!

2007-02-14T10:04:00.000-05:00

Just 4 U!

Disneyland or Bust

2007-01-15T16:28:00.000-05:00

Credit Card Company Mistakenly Issues Credit Card to Credit Card

2007-01-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

Toomahaw, IK--A month ago, Mrs. Debra Baumer of Lincoln Flat Estates found a strange letter amidst her regular mail. "At first, I thought it was just a bill from my credit card company, but when I opened it, I realized that it was addressed to my credit card, pre-approving it for a new credit card," she chuckled. "So, of course I sent out the slip and two weeks later, my credit card had a credit card!"

The vice president of consumer affairs for the large credit card company, who asked us not to reveal either his or his company's names, was apologetic. "It's baffling how such a thing could occur. We hardly ever issue credit cards to inanimate objects such as other credit cards, no matter how good their credit score is. And Mrs. Baumer's credit card had an excellent credit score, even better than hers!"

Mrs. Baumer saw the occurrence as a chance to go on a spending spree. "I bought all sorts of things for my new credit card: a calfskin wallet, a velvet card holder, and one of those pens that writes underwater. You know, for signing the back. All from my living room." Mrs. Baumer made all of her purchases through a famous home shopping network, which also asked to remain nameless.

The vice-president man continued, "Without a doubt, we'll be suing Mrs. Baumer for conspiracy to defraud this company." He then ate a puppy.

Moving and Shaking (Shaking Not Recommended)

2006-12-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I just finished the big move to Queens and as part of my continuining efforts in list-based humor, I bring you some helpful packing and moving tips that I learned during my experience.

Remember to pack your fragile items in a cushiony material to avoid breakage. While not the cheapest material, shredded havarti cheese is the most delicious.
Do not ask homeless people if they have any cardboard boxes they can spare, it's just rude.
With a name like "Two Shifty Guys with an Unmarked Van," they are probably not the most reliable moving service.
Be courteous to the next tenant of your old apartment and take a minute to throw out all those wadded-up tissues in the corner of the bedroom.
If you haven't found a new place by your moving date, find a realtor who will let you "test drive" a new apartment for a week or two.
Most people say that moving is just as stressful as getting a divorce or experiencing a death in your family. To relieve some of the pressure of moving day, go ahead and leave your spouse or kill your mother. Moving won't seem so bad after that!

Rejected McSweeney's Articles (a McSweeney's-style list)

2006-11-30T15:51:00.000-05:00

"An Alphabetical List of Little-Known Cancers"
"Open Letters to My Shoes"
"Items from the North Pole Police Blotter"
"BUZZ: The Onomatopoeia Story"
"A Very Impractical Problem-Solving Guide"
"Fictional People Do Things Completely Out of Character"
"Some Guy You Never Heard Of Writes, Like, Seven Words"

Dethember Approacheth

2006-11-27T17:03:00.000-05:00

Start craning your neck skywards now to save time!

December 2006 Calendar of Celestial Events

Dec. 5 -- Full moon. Be sure to shake your head and say "It takes all kinds, huh?"

Dec. 14 -- Geminids meteor shower. Much cooler than that pussy-ass Leonid meteor shower. Leonid? More like Lame-o-nid!

Dec. 20 -- The winter solstice and a new moon! Turn off all your lights to experience the longest evening of utter darkness just like your primitive tree-dwelling ancestors.

Dec. 25 -- The return of Jesus.

Komedy Kaucus

2006-11-13T15:47:00.000-05:00

Now that I'm back (by the way, thanks to cawshis and jimbles for blowing my cover! Nice going, guys!!), I'd like to talk about an important issue.

Can we, as a nation, please put a stop to the jokes of the "today is so different from 1991: back then, a Bush was in the White House and we were in a war in Iraq, etc etc" variety. Har, har, we get it already. History repeats itself. Except for the fact that our current Bush is in his second term, and this current war in Iraq has lasted approximately a million times longer than Operation: Desert Storm. So let's try something new, eh?

Apologies

2006-11-03T17:12:00.000-05:00

Sorry for not updating more regularly. I was mistakenly recruited into an international espionage game of cat-and-mouse with a bald Cossack named Sergei. I've only just now returned Stateside with the microfilm. I expect there will be a few more days of CIA debriefing before I can get back to zany posting. Thanks for your patience.

Six-Word Stories Intrigue This Author

2006-10-26T19:46:00.000-04:00

Wired recently printed a feature wherein writers from all sorts of genres took a stab at writing entire stories in six words. I thought I'd give it a try too.

The medicine brought freedom from death.

End of the world postponed indefinitely.

Ahab: "Fuck that whale! Fetch hookers!"

Falling from the stars, I laughed.

Their love moved mountains. Thousands died.

Mario's world destroyed by reset button.

Lexicality

2006-10-24T16:57:00.000-04:00

Today, we'll talk about the etymological history of the blessing "Godspeed." Contrary to what you might think, it has nothing to do with velocity. The word "Godspeed" is actually a corrupted contraction of "God's pee," as in "May God's pee be upon you." In the Middle Ages, it was a popular belief that the urinary excretion of a powerful person splashed on one's person would bring luck. Historians suspect that this belief was propagated by the royalty of the time so that they might piss on their subjects and have it considered by a good thing.

Campaign

2006-10-16T16:23:00.000-04:00

I don't know...I do like his water-into-wine policy...

The Most Unluckiest Time of the Year

2006-10-13T16:26:00.000-04:00

Well, folks, its another Friday the--*CRASH*--oh Christ, I accidentally knocked over the mirror that sits by my computer. Man, there are just glass shards everywhere. Let me just clean this up real quick...

And take these pieces out to the trash, so they don't cut up the garbage bag inside. Weird. Who put this ladder up in the hallway? Well, let me just squeeze under it so I can get outside...

Whoa! Watch out there, kitty! That cat just darted out of nowhere. Nearly tripped me up, too! Beautiful cat, though--glossy coat, piercing green eyes--I wish people would keep a better eye on their pets though.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, what was I talking about?

Oh, right! Happy Birthday, Mom!!

We're Running Out of Adjectives

2006-10-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

...here at work, to describe Sudoku. Our titles range from Easy Suduko to Extreme Sudoku to Maximum Sudoku to Crazy Sudoku. And since we put out like three new Sudoku titles every other month, this is quickly going to become a problem. Luckily, though, I'm here to save the day! I humbly propose:

Straight Up Sudoku
Rock Hard Sudoku
Spicy Mexican Style Sudoku
Rough Sudoku
Barely Legal Sudoku
Threatening Sudoku
Natural Sudoku
Overly Enthusiastic Sudoku
Enough Sudoku!

I Want This Song Played at My Wedding

2006-10-11T14:14:00.000-04:00

Seriously.

Hilariously beautiful.

And, no, that's not Ray Romano singing.

Movie Psychology

2006-10-09T23:44:00.000-04:00

Case File: Silent Hill

While on the surface this movie suffers from pointlessly graphic imagery, violence towards children and women, being based (a little too faithfully) on a video game, and a generally confusing and pointless ending, we have determined through discussion, that this movie's problems actually lay firmly on the makers.

Thus we have diagnosed patient Silent Hill as the first ever case of Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome in a movie.

Our recommendations for treatment are that the makers should be deprived of pot and video games for three months, and their cameras should be taken away permanently.

-Drs. Johnson and Keeley

Google Image Search Story

2006-10-06T16:12:00.000-04:00

For today, I found a good random word generator, generated a random word, and then fed it into Google Image Search.

The word: disputant
The image:

That's some dispute! So what, exactly, is going on here? Sure, I could go back to the page where I found this image and do a little research, but that's no fun. Ok, the colors are little dark, but I'm going to have to say that this is sort of an early version of a Jerry Springer-esque brawl. That figure in the middle--probably some kind of extreme nudist--was just insulted by that guy on the far left--the one who looks like he has some serious hockey hair going on--and started wailing on the mullet dude with his tiny little fists. So security--the two on the right--have come in to break up the fight. And, of course, that one security guy needs a shield to block the arrows being fired by the audience.

School Spirit

2006-10-05T16:26:00.000-04:00

Downstairs

2006-10-04T16:34:00.000-04:00

I thought I would be relieved when they closed the piano bar downstairs from my apartment, but they replaced it with something much worse. It's not the light that bothers me (my window doesn't face the street), but the crowd of people outside at all hours makes it really difficult to get into my building.

The Happy Midget

2006-10-03T16:23:00.000-04:00

Is there any reason to wonder why this little guy is smiling so?

I do believe I've decided to make this an all-picture week. Oh, and word of advice: don't Google Image Search "happy midget" if you value your eyeballs.

Tape Worm

2006-10-02T16:14:00.000-04:00

I'll be talking a lot about Halloween this month, as its a favorite holiday of mine. I usually spend the month gearing up and, luckily, I found this old cassette amidst all my junk this morning. Perfect!

Checklist

2006-09-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

Getting ready to leave for a weekend camping trip! Let me make sure I've got everything I'll need:

Sleeping bag
Pillow
New boots
Hunks of meat
Booze
Jenga tower (good emergency fuel source)
Sword
Cape
Puffy shirt
Tight velvet leggings
Bear repellent
Raccoon repellent
Squirrel repellent
Binoculaurs
Walking stick
Pool cue
Kerosene lamp
Flashlight
Flare gun
Squirt gun
Actual gun

Ok, that should do it. Now I just have to wait for my limo to arrive...

final nicoel nickname of the day: Lickety Split

From Dellarte Drinks

2006-09-27T16:24:00.000-04:00

Introducing
HARLEQUINADE!

Pantaloons drooping? Whiteface smeared? Japes lost their jibe?

Then try the only sports drink fortified with vitamins and buffoonery! Endorsed by jester, clowns, and merry andrews all over the world!

Available in three stupidly delicious flavors: Zany Zest, Jackpudding, and Pickle Herring!

Look for the diamond-patterned bottle at a store near you!

nicoel nickname of the day: Cabbage Patch

Halloweenie

2006-09-26T15:56:00.000-04:00

With Halloween a month away, stores are of course beginning to sell costumes. Especially costume shops. I was browsing through one of these stores on Fifth Avenue last night and noticed a plethora of "sexy" costumes for ladies that accentuated the midriff and bosom. And while there were plenty of sexy nurses, sexy maids, and sexy vampires, they were kind of on the expensive side. Luckily, the bargain bin had a few sexy costumes in it too...

Sexy accountant
Hot parking valet
Erotic fish gutter
Sultry Wookiee
Luscious hot dog
Alluring (and sexy) fetus
Foxy Brown

nicoel nickname of the day: Benny and the Jets

Dead Letter Office

2006-09-25T16:50:00.000-04:00

Nodding to the officers in the hallway, Detective M sidled through the apartment door and surveyed the crime scene. It was quite a sight. Furniture overturned and broken. Blood splattered everywhere. And in the middle of it, the unfortunate victim. The detective turned to the sergeant who had discovered the body.

"Why'd you call me into this, 3? She looks like a naught to me," he gestured toward the corpse and popped a piece of nicotine gum into his mouth.

"Don't be so sure, detective." The sergeant bent down and lifted up the numeral's slash easily.

"Holy..." Detective M trailed off.

"I'd say some digit found out this O was masquerading and was pretty pissed off about it."

"Good point, sarge." The detective flicked on his radio. "Better bring in the usual suspects. Put out an APB on 7, the 11 twins, and that weirdo 3 who's always pretending to be an E."

nicoel nickname of the day: Water Rat

Misquotes of the Day

2006-09-22T16:34:00.000-04:00

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a T.G.I. Friday's and kill him."
Mark Twain

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go to Cracker Barrel."
Philip K. Dick

"Subdue your appetites, my dears, and you've conquered Stuckey's."
Charles Dickens

"To know the road ahead, ask those coming back from Chili's."
Chinese proverb

True, so true.

nicoel nickname of the day: Sunday School

Hilarious?

2006-09-20T16:45:00.000-04:00

The following picture appears when you do a Google image search for "hilarious":

*shudder* That's not hilarious, that is simply terrifying. I can hear the faint echo of ghostly children giggling when I look at that picture. And that shadow is so sinister! I bet if you had that thing in your house and after you go into the kitchen for a soda, it's moved like an inch or two, but not so much as you would notice right away and then you realize that sock monkey is no longer hanging onto the boy's back! WHERE DID IT GO? JESUS CHRIST, SOMETHING'S ON THE CEILING!!! AIIEEE!!!

*heebiejeebies*

nicoel nickname of the day: P-Moop

A Taste of Logic

2006-09-19T16:53:00.000-04:00

Here's a little sampling of the kind of stuff I work at on a daily basis. Can you puzzle out the solution?

Oh, yeah, it's a puzzle about people running a marathon in silly costumes.

Katherine finished exactly 5 minutes after the runner who previously participated in exactly one more marathon than the person whose number is exactly 2 lower than the number given to the one sponsored by Labyrinth Books. The runner surnamed Geller previously ran in exactly one marathon fewer than the person whose number is exactly 1 higher than the one who finished exactly 10 minutes before the runner who wore the chicken costume.
The runner who dressed as a Viking previously ran in exactly one marathon fewer than the person who finished exactly 5 minutes after the one whose number is exactly 1 higher than the runner surnamed Jabez's number. The runner surnamed Maguire finished exactly 20 minutes after the person who previously ran in exactly four more marathons than the one whose number is exactly 4 higher than the person surnamed Maguire's number.
The runner sponsored by Tress Salon previously ran in exactly one marathon fewer than the person whose number is exactly 2 higher than the number of the one who finished exactly 10 minutes after the runner surnamed Stockman. Nick previously ran in exactly three more marathons than the person whose number is exactly 3 lower than the number of the runner who finished exactly 15 minutes after Nick.
The runner who dressed as Superman finished exactly 5 minutes before the person whose number is exactly 2 lower than the number of the one who previously ran in exactly two more marathons than the competitor who wore Zee running shoes. Quincy finished exactly 5 minutes after the runner whose number is exactly 1 lower than the number of the one who previously ran in exactly one marathon fewer than the person who wore Rath running shoes.
The person who wore Dio running shoes finished exactly 10 minutes before the one who previously ran in exactly two fewer marathons than the runner whose number is exactly 2 lower than the number of the competitor who dressed as Elvis. The number given to the runner sponsored by Arcady Diner is exactly 2 higher than the number given to the one who finished exactly 5 minutes before the person who ran in exactly one more marathon than Harold.
The runner surnamed Brotsky's number is exactly 2 higher than the number given to the one who ran in exactly one more marathon than the person who finished exactly 15 minutes before the competitor sponsored by Dynamo Power (who dressed as either Elvis or Superman). The runner sponsored by Pinpoint Tailors finished exactly 10 minutes before the person whose number is exactly 2 lower than the number of the one who ran in exactly two more marathons than the competitor sponsored by Pinpoint Tailors.
Are you still reading this? Most sane people have given up by this point, as this puzzle is more confusing than most of the longer IRS forms. I mean, I work on these things every day, and even I think this puzzle is hard.
Look, to be perfectly honest, you can't solve this puzzle. I've left out a couple of crucial pieces of information, just to torture you. And are you really that concerned with these fictional idiots that you just have to know which one wore what brand of running shoe? I mean, COME ON! GET A LIFE!!

nicoel nickname of the day: VV

Dread

2006-09-18T17:32:00.000-04:00

A recap of a spooky game I played this weekend. As prose, it's not a work of art, but you can go bite me.

nicoel nickname of the day: Argle Bargle

From the Desk of...Dr. Danger

2006-09-15T15:41:00.000-04:00

To do:

Put out want ads for new henchmen
Buy mutated piranha food
Pick up cloak from dry cleaners
Replace neutron transistors in death ray (Radio Shack?)
Fix trapdoor-release mechanism
Kill do-gooder nemesis
Call cable company (coupon!)

nicoel nickname of the day: Sloppy Jane

His Bark is Worse Than His Bolt

2006-09-14T16:16:00.000-04:00

nicoel nickname of the day: Farnsworth

IMPORTANT AND CONFIDENTIAL

2006-09-12T15:55:00.000-04:00

MR. SKYWALKER,

I AM OCTAVIUS TYREE, THE PERSONAL ATTORNEY TO DARTH VADER, LORD OF THE SITH, HERE IN AFTER SHALL BE REFERRED TO AS MY CLIENT. MONTHS AGO, MY CLIENT AND HIS COUNTLESS CLONE STORMTROOPERS WERE KILLED IN THE DESTRUCTION OF THE FAMED DEATH STAR BY REBEL SOLDIERS.

SINCE THEN I HAVE MADE SEVERAL INQUIRIES THROUGHOUT THE GALAXY TO LOCATE ANY OF MY CLIENT'S EXTENDED RELATIVES, WHICH UNTIL NOW HAS PROVED ABORTIVE. AFTER MUCH RESEARCH, I UNCOVERED THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME. I HAVE CONTACTED YOU TO ASSIST IN REPATRIATING THE FUND VALUED AT 122,000,000 IMPERIAL CREDITS LEFT BEHIND BY MY CLIENT BEFORE IT GET CONFISCATED OR DECLARED UNSERVICEABLE BY THE FIRST BANK OF ENDOR, WHERE THIS HUGE AMOUNT WAS DEPOSITED.

THEREFORE, ON RECEIPT OF YOUR POSITIVE RESPONSE, WE SHALL THEN DISCUSS THE PERCENTAGE THAT IS COMMING TO ME AFTER THE MONEY IS BEEN CREDITTED INTO YOUR CHOSEN ACCOUNT AND THE MODALITIES FOR SHARING IS AS FOLLOWS: 40% SHALL BE FOR ME AND 40% FOR YOU AND 20% WILL BE ALLOCATED FOR THE EXPENCES BOTH PARTIES INCURRED TO MAKING THIS TRANSACTION A SUCCESS.

I CAN ASSIST IN PROCURING THE NECESSARY INFORMATION AND LEGAL DOCUMENTS THAT MAY BE NEEDED TO ACTUALISE THIS PROPOSAL. ALL I REQUIRE FROM YOU IS YOUR HONEST CO-OPERATION TO ENABLE US SEE THIS TRANSACTION THROUGH. I GUARANTEE THAT THIS WILL BE EXECUTED UNDER A LEGITIMATE PLATFORM THAT WILL PROTECT YOU FROM ANY BREACH OF GALACTIC LAW.

UPON YOUR ACCEPTANCE TO ASSIST PLEASE SEND ME THE FOLLOWING FOR THE SERIOUS DISCUSSION: 1) YOUR FULL NAMES, 2) AGE, 3) CONTACT ADDRESS, 4) OCCUPATION, AND
5) HOME COORDINATES

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS TRANSACTION MUST REMAIN CONFIDENTIAL AT ALL COST.

REGARDS

nicoel nickname of the day: The Funky Phantom

Word of the Yesterday

2006-09-12T09:36:00.000-04:00

decillion (di sil'yen) n. A cardinal number represented in the U.S. by 1 followed by 33 zeros, and in Great Britain by 1 followed by 60 zeros.

"When I ordered us a decillion pencils, I didn't think it would be this many!"
"You fool! That was a British office supply company!"

nicoel nickname of the day: Tina Ballerina

Diplomatic Impunity

2006-09-09T15:56:00.000-04:00

A well-armored emissary strides into the Thane's Hall, followed by a number of lackeys struggling to carry some large barrels.

The Thane speaks, "Ach, lads what do we have here? By mah grandfather's beard, 'tis one of Trimarco's men. Ah'd recognize that sword-an-drumstick banner anywhere! Wha does his leerin' lordship want this time? An expedition? Lookin' fer more land to tuck under his already vast belt, no doubt. Fine, yes, what's wit tha casks, lad? Ale, you say? Whiskey, you say? Well, don't jus stand there like a tadger, bring 'em ovah here! Better not be any o' that watered-down naff some o' your people call beer. Ahhhhh....stout! 'Tis surely the elixir o' the gods. You can go back an tell yer boss, and his barely-dressed barbarian friend--what's up wit that, anyway?--tell yer boss that the dwarves of Keeleygard are behind him, one hundred percent. Until the beer runs out. Ach, he knows our usual terms. An make sure he unnerstans that mah men will be lookin for bosoms as well! Now off wit ye!"

nicoel nickname of the day (well, Friday): chiXXorZ

The Care and Feeding of Your New Universe

2006-09-07T16:55:00.000-04:00

Habitat
Keep your universe in a cool, dark place. Don't worry, a healthy universe will be able to produce just about everything it needs to survive!

Feeding
However, you will need to introduce new energy into your universe around every thousand years, or else it will eventually experience catastrophic entropy (or "heat death"). Acceptable forms of energy include heat, light, and lettuce.

Handling
While you are free to pick up and examine your universe at any time, you should refrain from interfering with it. A universe's natural laws are both complex and beautiful, and don't require you mucking about with them. NEVER shake your universe.

Common Problems
Your universe might, over time, develop sentient life. Do not worry, this absolutely normal though quite rare. However, no matter how adorable or misguided this sentient life may look, you must never make your presence known to it as this could cause a major theological error, which will void your universe's warranty.

nicoel nickanme of the day: K.C. (note: the rest of the table was referred to as "Sunshine Band")

I See...a Prosthetic Hand in Your Future

2006-09-06T16:54:00.000-04:00

nicoel nickname of the day: Mrs. Emma Peel

The Lost Modules

2006-09-05T17:03:00.000-04:00

CPA1--The Duchy of Deloitte Touche
CPA2--Glory and Equity
CPA3--Against the IRS

YUM1--Into the Ruins of Bourguignonne
YUM2--The Forgotten Temple of Taramasalata
YUM3--The Sinister Secret of Saltimbocca
YUM4--The Lich of Mulligatawny

HUH1--The Slave Pits of the Fate's Eye of Danger
HUH2--The Riddle of the Two Hundred Gods' Tombs Under the City of a Thousand Dreams
HUH4--The Forgotten Wars of the Golden Hearthstone Beyond the Vales of Flaming Darkness
HUH8--The Dragon's Crown of Arcane Gambit in the Night of the Unknown Horror
HUH125--The Return of the Curse of the Creature's Ghost

nicoel nickname of the day: Shawshank

September is National Nickname Month

2006-09-01T17:01:00.000-04:00

I'm back. And chock full of stupid ideas.

Case in point:

Each weekday this month, I'll be referring to my coworker (and occasional poster here) nicoel by a different nickname. Even if either of us isn't actually at work. I'll be coming up with each nickname on the fly, so I guarantee that most of them won't make any sense at all. And I'll post each nickname here on the blog (as part of my other updates).

So without further ado, I present
nicoel nickname of the day: Frankenberry

Oh, and she has no idea I'm doing this. Until she reads this, of course.

It's...the Dapper Dildo!

2006-08-23T12:44:00.000-04:00

Ok, this is part of the reason that I've been absent as of late.

Baked Ziti Productions has submitted our first pilot to Channel 102, and it features yours truly as one of the leads. The other being, of course, a magical British dildo.

"What does this have to do with me?" I can hear you saying with my high-powered shotgun microphone. Well, if you are going to be in or around the Manhattan area this coming Monday Aug. 28, then you can come to the screening and vote. For us!

The screening is at the Anthology Film Archives and it'll cost you $5 to get in. Come early and come often!

If you can't make it that evening, be sure to check out Channel 102 the next day, as I'm sure you'll be able to view our video there by then.

Gone Fishin'

2006-08-09T17:23:00.000-04:00

You might notice a lack of posts over the past few days and for the next few days to come. Honestly, I'm trying to do more work on some of my other projects (a multitude, at least), so the ol' Phlogiston is going to get a bit of the short stick until I'm freer and clearer. However, if something uproariously hilarious (say that five times fast) sprouts in my noggin, I'll be sure to slap it up here.

MindFellas

2006-08-04T21:07:00.000-04:00

I had the oddest dream last night.

I was in a dark place, a light fog drifting across the floor. At first it was empty, but after a moment, I could see that the entire space was filled with thousands of trinkets scattered about. And all of them seemed...familiar somehow.

Then, this man stepped out of the shadows. He was dressed in a finely tailored pinstriped suit. He held a gray fedora in his hands and he smiled as he approached me.

"Nice psyche you got here," he said with a thick Brooklyn accent, "be a shame if...something...were to happen to it."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, bewildered.

"Nothin'. Maybe you wake up one morning and some precious childhood memories are missing. Or maybe you uncover something so terrible about your past that it causes you to crumple up into a ball, sobbing. Or maybe nothin'."

"Are you threatening me?"

"Me? No! I'm just a concerned citizen. A concerned citizen who could maybe help you out."

"This is about money!"

"Most things are. I'll let you think it over. Have a good night's sleep." He waved and disappeared back into the darkness.

Weird, huh? I mean, there's no way it could be true, and even if it was, I don't think that I'd fork over...OH GOD DADDY WHY?!?!

Be Cool

2006-08-03T15:35:00.000-04:00

For all those playas out there sweltering in the heat, I present my recipe for:

Fresh Fruit Smoovies
1 cup strawberries, hulled
2 bananas
1-1/2 cups of plain yogurt
1 bottle Courvoisier
2 tablets of Spanish Fly

Combine ingredients into blender and blend until smoove.

What a Show!

2006-08-01T17:16:00.000-04:00

A bit of a holdover from Celebrity Week:

Kiss Mah Grits

2006-07-31T15:42:00.000-04:00

Ok, I don't talk about things that actually happen to me, and when I do, I'm usually lying, but this time, I swear, this is 100% Grade A truth here.

I just talk to the most "Southern" woman in the world. And not in the fancy genteel, Scarlet O'Hara type, either. The Britney Spears' aunt Brandine type.

First of all, before she could ask me her very important question, she had to tell me her entire life story, without pausing for breath, it seems. I had to listen to this for a good three minutes:

"NowAhusedtobuyyerhoroscopemagazineattheWinnDixieyouknow
forthemlotterynumbahsandAhgotallmyfriendstogoalongbutthenthe
WinnDixiequitcarryinthemsothenAhhadtogoovertotheWalmartfor
awhileanAhIgotallmyfriendstogoalongbutthenAhcouldn'tfindthem
anymoresoAhaskedtheladyifAhcouldtalktothemagazinefellerthere
hewasablackmanandhetoldmethathewouldseewhathecoulddobut
thosemagazinesgetsnatchedupassoonastheyhitthemshelves, do you know what I mean?"

First, it was obnoxious. Then it got hilarious. Then she callled me "son," which made it obnoxious again. And all this because she wanted to subscribe. Great, call the right damn number.

Oh, and Incredibly Southern Lady, how are those lottery numbers working out for you? Win any millions yet? I didn't think so.

Macy Gray!

2006-07-28T15:33:00.000-04:00

It's the final day of Celebrity Week here at Phlogiston and I was going to end things with a bang, showing my never-before-seen video of me and William H. Macy hanging out together and having a few drinks. But I just received a cease-and-desist order from Mr. Macy's lawyers barring me from ever airing that tape. And to keep 500 feet from Mr. Macy at all times.

Look, Bill (that's what I call him) seemed like a real nice guy. Really real, you know? Not one of those typical Hollywood phonies. I can only speculate that he wouldn't care about this video, but that his handlers (more like controllers) are the ones with their panties in a twist. So what if the two of us get a little "frisky" near the end? Neither of us are gay, just two tipsy guys palling around like guys do. No big deal, so just lighten up people!

Bill, if you're reading this, give me a call or something to let me know that the two of us are cool. Apparently, it would be illegal for me to call you.

Oh, and it occurs to me that the title of this particular post might make people think that its about that lady singer with the huge hair. Sorry for the confusion.

Paparazzi Don't Preach!

2006-07-27T15:21:00.000-04:00

Celebrity Week here on Phlogiston continues apace! Today we have an exclusive interview with photographer of the stars Ernesto Gugliani!

PHLOG: Welcome, Mr. Gugliani. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of snapping photos of celebrities in their most intimate of moments to talk with us.
EG: My pleasure. Please, call me Ernesto.
PHLOG: Sure thing, Ernie. Now...
EG: No, Ernesto.
PHLOG: What?
EG: You called me Ernie. It's Ernesto.
PHLOG: Really? Sorry about that.
EG: No problem.
PHLOG: Now, Ern, who is the biggest celebrity you've ever taken a picture of? Not counting James Coco, of course. *laughs*
EG: Who?
PHLOG: James Coco. He was kind of a big fat...never mind, just answer the question Ernadette.
EG: Ah, that would be the beautiful Angelina Jolie.
PHLOG: Really?
EG: Yes, I managed to get a lovely picture of her sunbathing. Nude. In her shower.
PHLOG: Wowza! You don't happen to have a copy of that on you?
EG: I do!
PHLOG: Hey, hey! This is something else! I...wait a minute, this isn't Angelina Jolie! You just pasted her head onto a recent Playboy spread!
EG: What?! Never!!
PHLOG: And this isn't even Angelina Jolie's face! It kind of looks like...ugh! It is! Steven Tyler!
EG: How dare you! I am a professional!
PHLOG: You're a pervert, more like. Get this thing out of my sight! I've seen more convincing cut-and-paste jobs on a kindergarten classroom wall!
EG: This interview is over!

Mr. Gugliani (if indeed that is his real name) then proceeded to hit me about the head and neck with his camera bag, which burst open revealing that it was not, in fact, filled with camera equipment, but shredded newspaper and apple cores. He then stormed out of the restaurant where we were having lunch, sticking me with the bill.

Item!

2006-07-26T15:35:00.000-04:00

The latest juicy gossip from "Hollyweird":

Actor and former sane person Tom Cruise was recently spotted in the San Diego Zoo clubbing baby marmosets. After being restrained by zoo workers, Cruise claimed he was "merely getting food for baby Suri."
Director M. Night Shyamalan will soon reveal that his directing career actually died in 2001 and has been a ghost this whole time! What a twist!
Sexy starlet Scarlett Johansson was IDed last week shopping in London's Harrod's! What was she buying? Maybe a hat?
Did you hear what happened to Dave Chappelle? No? Me either.
I think I heard once that infamous D-lister Kathy Griffin practices witchcraft! Wouldn't that be weird?

'Scuse Me While I Kiss the Sky!

2006-07-25T16:04:00.000-04:00

How's this for a hot-ticket item? It seems as though a 40-year old previously unreleased Jimi Hendrix track is going to be auctioned off in October! The song, entitled Station Break, was recorded in 1966 with a number of other tracks, but never made it to any of Hendrix's albums.

And guess what? We've managed to get a sneak peek at the lyrics! Take a look:

The show is over
Fade to black
After these messages,
We'll be right back

Fantastic! I can just imagine Jimi's inimitable guitar stylings in the background!

Rumor has it that ABC will bid on the song for use during its Saturday morning broadcast.

Celebrity Week Begins!

2006-07-24T20:43:00.000-04:00

All this week here on Phlogiston, we're going to be dishing out the hottest celebrity gossip--or, as I like to call it, celebrossip! Can't you just feel the magic?!

Here's a little taste of what's to come.

Like many other celebrities, our favorite man of action, Steven Seagal, has just formed his own band! Will The Facekickers make it big on the music scene? Will they be touring in a town near you?

Find out all this and more this week! On Phlogiston!

Maggie's Caddy

2006-07-21T15:41:00.000-04:00

After a particularly stupid fight, Margot Tremont left her mechanic boyfriend to drive to Hollywood. She threw a couple of suitcases into her beat-up car and drove out of Delaware for good.

Somewhere along the way, she stopped at a place called the Midway Diner—one of a dozen locations across the country where reality tends to be a bit thin. And she fell in love.

The pie was delicious, and she had been persuaded by the waitress to wash it down with a tall glass of milk, though she hardly ever drank it these days. With the food in her belly, mixed with the homey atmosphere of the diner, Margot began to think about her parents…her father particuarly. He loved taking the family to places like this, part of his nostalgia for the 50s. Before she turned 12, Margot knew all the words to every Platters song ever recorded, listening to them in her father’s ridiculous Cadillac Coupe de Ville as they cruised the town. She shook her head slowly and smiled in fond remembrance.

Outside, in the parking lot, the air crackled with…possibility.

Margot noticed something odd about her old cabriolet as soon as she got in. The driver’s side seat felt bigger…more roomier. Which, of course, was impossible in the mid-sized car. She shifted a little, got comfortable, and shrugged it off.

She put the key in the ignition, turned it, and flinched a little when the sounds of "Twilight Time" suddenly blasted from her car stereo.

Heavenly shades of night are falling
It's twilight time
Out of the mist your voice is calling
It's twilight time

She turned the music down a few notches and pulled out of the spot, glad that she was finally getting reception out here in the middle of nowhere. She had spent the last few hours on the road with nothing but her thoughts to keep her company. And those went in circles and circles these days.

I count the moments darling
Till you're here with me
Together at last at twilight time

Margot found herself singing along without realizing it, as she maneuvered the car onto the highway. An hour or so passed, one oldie after the other, and eventually Margot’s vocal performance became marred by yawns. "Sleepy," she muttered thickly to herself. And it didn’t look like there was a motel in sight. Rubbing her eyes, she spotted a sign for restrooms a mile or so ahead. She pulled into the small plaza, grabbed a blanket from the back seat, and began to doze off. Hell, truckers did it all the time, right?

The dream was…interesting. There was an old car, all chrome and top down, and there was a man behind the wheel. He looked similar to her New Castle mechanic, all grease-stained overalls and charming smile, and a little bit like an old picture of her father, pompadour hair and cigarette box rolled up in his t-shirt sleeve. And she was standing on the side of the road, sun beating down on her neck. There was a conversation about "needing a ride," in that allegorical way that only comes out of dreams, and she had hopped into the passenger’s seat.

The speed was tremendous, wind whipping her hair and fluttering away at the buttons of her blouse. She felt a tingling sensation at the base of her spine each time he shited gears, which he seemed to do more often than actually possible. The landscape began to blur, or was it that her eyes were rolling back in her head? The engine revved in time with her breath, suddenly heavy. A thin bead of sweat trailed down her collarbone. She let out a cry of intense pleasure, just as she woke to a similar sound echoing over the plains. A bird, most likely.

Margot shook off the dream, used the bathroom quickly, and got back on the road. She didn’t notice the cabriolet’s hood had lengthened and that fins had grown on the trunk.

She did find a motel the next night, but had some trouble sleeping, twisting and turning in the uncomfortable bed. She got up and stood looking out the window down at the moonlit parking lot for a few seconds before grabbing a couple of pillows and climbing into the back seat of her car.
Her license plate now read MAGGI’S.

Margot sped through the countryside. It was just so easy! The slightest touch of her foot to the gas pedal and zoom! To an outside observer (and there weren’t many this day, except a few dimwitted roadrunners), bits of the car seemed to slough off from the acceleration. The sensible dark gray paint job, for instance, was whipped off like a hat in the breeze, revealing a bright pink. And at one point, the top of the car itself simply detached, flew into the bright blue sky, and vanished.
Margot took no notice that she had to shift gears to get the car up to top speed.

Hollywood! Los Angeles! The Dream Factory! Home to thousands of aspiring actress, who were all apparently sitting on the same freeway as Margot and tying up traffic.

Margot honked the horn impatiently. "This is ridiculous," she said to herself. Bobby Darin answered on the radio with "Beyond the Sea." Margot smiled at the idea and managed to squeeze out onto a nearby off-ramp. She navigated the side streets instinctively and soon found herself motoring along the Pacific Coast Highway. She took in the salty sea air and kept driving.

Her and the love of her life.

Rejected Fortune Cookie Messages

2006-07-19T22:25:00.000-04:00

...and the reasons why they were rejected.

Let a smile be your pencillin.
[Possible fatal if followed literally]

You need more self-confidence, stupid!
[No exclamation points]

Confucius say, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
[Quote actually attributed to W.C. Fields]

Your wife is sleeping around.
[The truth hurts]

A duck with two beaks eats its own eggs.
[Possibly mistranslated from original Cantonese]

What is best in life is to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.
[Too long]

Not with a Bang, but a Whimper

2006-07-18T17:09:00.000-04:00

Walter Kronoski. Watery gray eyes. Thin lips. A small, sharp nose. Tufts of graying hair just above his ears and not much else. A green sweater vest, threadbare at the elbows. Sensible shoes. Caretaker of the universe.

Walter read the calendar for the third time. There was no mistaking it. Close up in his neat handwriting, penned millennia ago. Nothing else was written in the calendar after that. Walter sighed and got to work.

First to go was time itself, wound back onto its sturdy spool and then rolled into storage. Then the hundreds of millions stars, once they were cool enough to touch, wrapped up and placed in their individual containers. Other planetary bodies came next, jumbled together in a large canister. Walter swept what remained into a dustbin.

Space itself needed folding up, as well. Carefully manipulating the well-worn creases, Walter gave up on the third try, despite a number of unsightly bulges in the fabric.

All of it stored away, Walter let himself out of existence and locked it behind him.

Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot

2006-07-17T16:55:00.000-04:00

With temperatures skyrocketing around the country, it looks like its going to be one of the hottest weeks of the summer. Now, everyone knows that in the winter, the wind chill effects how cold it "feels," but during these dog days, numerous factors come to play to determine what is called the "heat index." Here's a handy formula (adjusted for New York City):

Heat Index = Ambient Temperature +/- Inches Below/Above the Knee of Your Hemline + No. of Cars Idling in the Nearby Streets - MPH of Wind* + [(No. of People Who Forgot to Wear Deodorant Crammed Next to You in the Subway*Percentage of Sweat in the Small of Your Back)*(1+No. of Fires Raging in Your General Vicinity)]

*disregard this number if wind is coming off the East River

Wow, that makes my head spin! It's either that or the sun poisoning! What's the cause of it? Some people, including 10th-level vice president Al Gore, point the finger squarely at global warming. And in response, global warming tries to look innocent, shrugging as if to say, "What did I do?" All the while, its got an empty can of Aqua Net hidden behind its back. The big douche.

Anyway, here are some handy ways that YOU can combat global warming:

Only run your air conditioning when you feel like it.
Whenever someone mentions that leading scientists believe that the effects of global warming will be irreversible for at least the next 100 years, jam your fingers into your ears and hum loudly.
The next time you are at the beach, throw a bunch of ice cubes into the ocean.
Remember to always separate your brown glass from your green glass. That's supposed to do something, right?
Engineer a plan to free Mr. Freeze from Arkham Asylum and bet him that he can't reduce temperatures the world over by 5 or 10 degrees.
Drop into a heat-induced coma and when you wake, the world should be getting steadily colder instead of increasingly warmer. It worked for that lady in that one Twilight Zone episode.

Thought for Food

2006-07-14T15:46:00.000-04:00

This Day in Alternate History

2006-07-13T22:20:00.000-04:00

2002--President Al Gore is tragically crushed by a rogue encroaching glacier during a lecture at the University of Maine.
1972--The Russian space progam begins building the first moon colony, christened New Vladivostok.
1948--Chancellor Adolf Hitler promises financial aid to the impoverished North American Federated States.
1863--In what is believed to be the bloodiest battle of the Civil War, Union forces led by Ulysses S. Grant are triumphant over the Confederate forces and their Martian allies.
1792--The first steam-powered airplane is successfully tested.
1517--As he preaches the evils of papal indlugences, Martin Luther is brutally gunned down by an unknown assassin wielding a .50-caliber rifle.

Rebranding

2006-07-12T16:15:00.000-04:00

By now, you'll have noticed a slight change in the site's design. The reason for it is quite simple. In a midnight business deal, Phlogiston and its parent company JöKular were bought out by Time-Warner for quite a substantial amount of money and pornography. Plus, I was having some trouble with the other template.

Nevertheless, I feel like I need to reassure you, my readers, by reprinting the Phlogiston mission statement:

Phlogiston is committed (or it should be, har!) to bringing its nearly half-dozen readers the kind of humor they've come to expect from rejected Somethingawful.com ideas, as well as numerous shoddily fashioned fake photos and at least one reference to an 80s Saturday-morning cartoon per week. If not completely satisfied, please return unused portion for a full refund.

Local Man Brutally Bisects Wife

2006-07-11T15:38:00.000-04:00

PERIMETER CITY, FLATLAND (AP) -- Local residents were shocked to learn this morning that one of their neighbors had committed a heinous act during the night. For reasons yet unknown, businessman A. Square, attacked his wife with an acute angle while she slept, visciously cutting her in two. He was then discovered at dawn spinning wildly in the street, covered in his wife's blood and cackling, "It's true! It's true!" Mr. Square was taken away by local police as his neighbors watched. "He seemed like such a nice shape," commented one pentagon, "Always putting his best face forward." Another resident stated, "He'd been rather irregular and on edge as of late, talking about beings from another dimension." Mr. Square is expected to be charged with 45-degree murder and tried in the Euclidean court by the end of the week.

I'm Back!

2006-07-10T18:52:00.000-04:00

Where have I been for the past week? Mostly lying face down in the gutter after drinking myself into insensibility. But on the plus side, I've got some new cocktail recipes to show for it.

Rum, White and Blue
2 ounces dark rum
2 ounces blue curacao
2 ounces whole milk
Combine all ingredients in a shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Shake well. Strain through American flag into a highball glass.

Fusty Bucker
1 ounce vodka
1 ounce peach schnapps
3 ounces orange juice
1 orange wedge
Leave orange wedge on counter for 12 hours, then place at bottom of cocktail glass. Pour vodka into cocktail glass. Mix peach schnapps and orange juice in a separate glass. Drink vodka in one gulp, then use the schnapps-orange juice mixture to swallow moldy orange wedge whole.

Bloody Hell
2 ounces gin
3 ounces tomato juice (or V8)
1 cube beef bouillon
1 dash of Worcestershire sauce
1 dash Tabasco sauce
1 squirt Heinz fancy ketchup
1 lemon wedge
Mix all ingredients but gin in a large glass, allowing the bouillon cube to dissolve. Garnish with lemon wedge. Trick some gullible idiot into drinking it while you sip the gin, with tonic, over ice. And laugh. Laugh your head off.

Liver Puncher
2 ounces tequila
2 ounces gin
2 ounces light rum
2 ounces dark rum
2 ounces vodka
2 ounces bourbon
2 ounces Irish whiskey
2 ounces anisette
2 ounces Bailey's Irish cream
1 ounce club soda
Combine all ingredients in an extra-large frosty mug. Shake well, then drink. Wonder where you are when you gain consciousness.

Another Word from Our Sponsors

2006-06-30T21:57:00.000-04:00

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Side effects may include necrosis of facial muscles, pronounced limp, albinism, hunched back, delusions of grandeur, and uncontrollable maniacal laughter.

Consult your doctor or, if you are a doctor, just prescribe Frankinol to yourself.

A Conversation I'll Sadly Never Have

2006-06-29T16:25:00.000-04:00

"Let's see here...finally got the Time Phone working...all right, time to test it out...just gotta think of someone to dial up...Oh! I know!"

1-9-9-0

*ring*

*ring*

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is going to sound weird, but trust me on this. I'm you, from like 15 years in the future."

"What?"

"No, don't say anything, just shut up and listen. I don't know how long this connection will last. Plus, I bet the bill is going to be outrageous!!"

"..."

"Fine, whatever. Don't laugh, you little punk. First things first, if a girl comes over and asks you to put handcuffs on her, make something of that opportunity! Christ, at least touch her boobs! What the hell is wrong with you?! Same goes for if a girl decides she'd rather sleep on your floor rather than the couch. I don't care who you think you have a crush on at the time, just DO SOMETHING! Oh, and that reminds me, if you *do* go to college for some kind of science, maybe stick with it...neuroscience is pretty cool...If you're going to get stuck in a soulless job, try to pick one that pays more money. And, finally, for the love of all that is holy, never try to cook pork roll at 2:30 in the morning...Got all that?"

"Uh, yeah? Though it didn't really make a whole lot of--"

"It will. Good luck, young Keeley. Oh, get used to people calling you that."

"Thanks?"

*click*

*ring*

"Huh. That's weird. Guess I better answer it. Hello?"

"Hey! I'm you from the future. Look, even though I know you can't affect past events, I thought I'd call to stop you from wasting your time on building a Time Phone because of, well, that thing I just said."

"Too late."

Word of the Day

2006-06-28T23:44:00.000-04:00

pelf n. Riches or wealth, esp. when fraudulently obtained.

Come on, world! Why aren't we using this word more often?! It's fantastic! "The ways he's living, he must have a lot of pelf in the bank."

Better yet, it should also be modified into an adjective. Pelfy. Meaning rich or wealthy, but through fraudulently obtained. "Curse those pelfy robber-barons!"

Someone's got to get on this...

A Taste of Things To Come

2006-06-27T21:08:00.000-04:00

Team Baked Ziti has been hard at work on, well, maybe I should just show you:

Is that me? Is that what you think it is sitting on the table with me? Why the hell is that soup bowl empty?

You'll have to wait until next month to find out, suckers.

Web Slinging

2006-06-26T15:48:00.000-04:00

Here are some little-known facts about spiders that might keep you up late tonight. I hope.

Though they are scientifically classified as not having antennae, two of each spider's legs function the same way as antennae. And they use them to pick up cell-phone signals.
The events of Charlotte's Web actually occurred as written, except for one minor point that was left out of the book. Charlotte saved that pig because a million of her babies were about to burst forth from its stomach.
Geometry was actually invented by a spider.
The following types of spiders are, in fact, not made up: jumping spider, hobo spider, tooth cave spider, trapdoor spider, net-casting spider, and ant mimic spider.
When you kill a spider, all spiders everywhere know it.
For every person on this planet, there exists a spider large enough to cover his or her face. Luckily, these spiders live only in the jungle. For now.

Review of a Book with No Words

2006-06-23T15:24:00.000-04:00

We get a lot of advance reader copies of various genre fiction books here at work. Some awful, some terrible, and some weird and interesting. Like
Super #1 Robot, a photographic collection of Japanese robot toys made in the late 70s and early 80s. When I saw it earlier today, I of course, had to scoop it up.

To be honest, there are some words in this book beyond the captions for the photos. There's like a 20-some page introduction and an after word, but who cares about all that? Let's get to the robots!

Of course, there are over a dozen Voltron look-alikes within these pages, but there are also a lot of interesting entries. Like one robot that looks like a giant golden meat tenderizer. Something that appears to be a Magic 8-ball wearing a sun hat. And an angry water heater with a Z painted on the front. Plus the obvious Mecha-Godzilla and Astroboy types.

So there you have it, all kinds of contraptions made from metal, plastic, and in one case what I'm sure is some form of gummi product. Sure, it's not going to tax your brain (especially if you don't read the text), but it'll fire up your imagination. The perfect book for someone who wants to remember these toy robots but is way too cool to go out and buy them.

My Rating: 4 1/2 Ultramans

The Keeley Cure

2006-06-22T15:36:00.000-04:00

I've known about this for a while (it hangs in my cubicle at work), and I promise you that it is 100% true. Whether or not Dr. Leslie E. Keeley is indeed related to yours truly, is up for debate.

But I like to think that one of my ancestors helped people to cure their drug addictions...by injecting them with "bichloride of gold" (which is chemically impossible compound).

"The Keeley Cure"--a Irishy-sounding ballad that parodied the famous treatment. It was apparently recorded before the invention of instruments.

If there's any musicians out there willing to cover this hilarious ditty, you have my permission, such as its worth. Just send me a cut of the dough, preferably in gold coins. I have some tinctures to make...

A Quick Note

2006-06-22T00:08:00.000-04:00

Sorry there was no update for today. See, I have this old blogging injury from my early blogging days when I blogged for almost 20 straight hours and I seriously pulled a muscle in my good blogging elbow and it hasn't been the same since. In fact, it acts up whenever I don't really have anything to blog about. Such is life.

Just Some God Ol' Boys

2006-06-20T15:55:00.000-04:00

The bright orange Fiat with a black cross painted on the hood skids around the corner, with no fewer than eight police cars following close behind it, their sirens wailing.

The driver of the Fiat turns to his passenger, "Looks like Pope Hogg ain't to happy with us right now, Lucas."

"Well, Bocephus, maybe you ought'nt have knocked over his secret holy water still..."

The two hold a straight face for a beat and then crack up laughing, as the Fiat swerves around a fountain. The driver notices that up ahead the road crossing a canal is under construction.

"Bridge out," he says. "Think the ol' Saint Leopold can handle it?"

"Verily," the passenger pats the dashboard.

"Amen to that. Hang onto yer prayer beads, brother!"

The car leaps over the canal.

"YEEE-HAAAAWWW!!"

*freeze frame*

"Well, it looks like them Priest boys have got all o' Vatican County on their tails. Stay tuned to find out if it comes back to bite 'em in the apse..."

Work is Hell

2006-06-19T15:35:00.000-04:00

Back to the trenches!

Random Haiku

2006-06-16T16:29:00.000-04:00

...composed solely of the names of selected original Care Bears.

Good Luck Bedtime Friend.
Grumpy Love-A-Lot Funshine,
Cheer Tenderheart Wish.

Grand Theft Autobot

2006-06-15T16:59:00.000-04:00

Vinnie peered around the corner and saw it, a sweet ride just begging to be jacked. Smooth white lines with blue detailing and a spoiler like no other. Nearly salivating at the thought of all the cash he could score on such a ride, Vinnie creeped closer to the car. He saw no one else around for blocks.

Almost not daring to hope, Vinnie tried the door--it was unlocked! Unbelievable! He'd have the dough in his pocket before midnight. Plenty of time to go out and get pissed.

Vinnie quickly ducked into the car and slammed the door behind him. He leaned under the dash, looking for the wires to jump start the vehicle when he felt and odd rumbling under the sheet...

*******

Jazz strolled into the Autobot HQ, whistling the latest pop hit he had heard on the way over.

"Where ya been?" asked Bumblebee, looking up from his computer.

"Caught some z's out by the club," Jazz replied.

"Hey, you've got a little stain right about here," Bumblebee pointed to his torse.

Jazz looked down and indeed see the stain. A small trickle of red. "That's odd. I wonder where that came from?"

Now Back to the Stupidity

2006-06-14T16:56:00.000-04:00

With the...great...taste of...something...maybe wintergreen?

And a...unique...texture!

Chew it! We dare you!

Truth, for a Change

2006-06-13T16:19:00.000-04:00

Lately, people (OK, person) has decried the lack of "real-life" posts on this blog. "What's going on in Keeley's life?" "What's he up to?" and "What, exactly, is wrong with that weirdo?" are just a few of the questions that have popped up. So, I'm setting aside the sleep-deprivation induced fantasies that usually clog this space, to tell you something for true.

I have an Internet crush on the Onion AV Club's Amelie Gillette.

Just read that bio and tell me that's not hawt. And she gets to interview the likes of Lewis Black and Sarah Silverman. So maybe there's a bit of professional jealousy mixed in with these puppy dog eyes. Either way, I present to you:

An Open Love Letter to Amelie Gillette:

Dear Amelie,

Hello. How are you? Let me cut right to the chase and say, dump whoever it is you are seeing now and be with me, for I will Treat You Right.

I'm sure that an Internet personality such as yourself gets a hundred proposals of this nature every day, but hear me out. Sure, maybe you're way out of the league of a schlub like myself, but it won't matter because once we meet, I'm sure you'll see past my scruffy beard and oddly stained Old Navy T-shirts to see the pop-culture loving pseudo-hipster that lies within.

Together, we will go on picnics in the park, delicately feeding each other strange-tasting snack foods from Israel and Korea. You will have a strange compulsion to hog all the prawn crackers, while I try to figure out whether or not the beef-flavored potato chips taste more like Slim Jims or old baseball gloves. Together, we will curl up on the couch watching Boomerang and shaking our heads sadly when The 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo comes on, lamenting the sad waste of Vincent Price's talents. Together, we will attend the premiere of the Borat movie, and get drunk with Sascha Cohen afterward on Pims.

We will be happy and the envy of the entire metropolitan area.

And then I will trick you into playing Dungeons & Dragons.

Dear Lairowner

2006-06-12T16:38:00.000-04:00

Mrs. Tiamat:

It has come to our attention that the state of your property is currently in violation of several rules and statues set down in the Wyrmhills Association Lair Guidelines. Specifically:

The path to your lair is marked with over a dozen helmeted heads on pikes. According to rule #7a, you are allowed no more than three (3) lawn decorations of this manner.
The ashes of several parties of adventurers are scattered about the rear of your lair. Please refer to rule #13c for rules on proper disposal of your trash.
Other Wyrmhills residents have been forced to pick up golden goblets, silver platters, and platinum crowns that have spilled forth from your lair. If you need additional space for your horde, you may petition the Lairowners' Association under rule #1a.

In addition, you have been cited a number of times due to noise violations. If you must sacrifice a virgin on your property, please do so before 9:00p.m.

Please rectify these problems within a month, or fines will be levied against you.

Mr. Jormungandr
President
Wyrmhills Lairowners' Association

The Following is a Paid Advertisement

2006-06-09T16:19:00.000-04:00

Claim jumped?

Injured by a burro?

Whiskey bottle shot out of your hand by irate cattle rustlers?

Then you need the law offices of Gabby, Gabby & Moskowitz.

We've been fighting for the rights of comical old prospectors since the gold rush of '49. And we guarantee results in your favor or we waive the consultation fee of one gold nugget. Here are just a few of our more successful cases.

Cookie Adams was tragically scarred when a passing stampede kicked over his campfire and splashed him with the hot chili he had been preparing. We successfully sued the owners of the cattle and the blacksmith who forged the cooking pot for over $12,000 in damages and a new bandana.

Ol' Toothless Joe was barred from the Spur Hill Saloon because of his rank odor and constant swearing. We sued the establishment for discrimination and, while Joe still cannot enter the saloon, he gets all the rye he can drink as long as stays behind the building.

So no matter what your problem, we'll see to that you get what you deserve.

The Law Offices of Gabby, Gabby & Moskowitz
"We're On Your Side, Consarnit"

Zap!

2006-06-08T15:30:00.000-04:00

Little-Known Maritime Superstitions

2006-06-07T12:44:00.000-04:00

As Batman would say, "Sailors are a cowardly and superstitious lot." Of course, everyone knows the "red sky" rhyme telling would-be seamen when to take to the waves, but I'm willing to bet dollars to hardtack that most of you out there aren't familiar with the dozens of other ditties sailors memorized to keep themselves safe and happy...

First off, the importance of citrus fruit in cuisine was quite high due to scurvy. But you couldn't just suck 'em down during any meal.

Lime in your dinner, that meal's a winner,
Lime in your supper, toss 'er down the scupper.

Then of course, sailors had guidelines for meeting a lady of the evening during shore leave.

If she looks nice, you'll pay quite a price,
If she looks a hag, just use a burlap bag.

Dolphins are almost always considered a good omen while at sea, but most sailors knew to ask the dolphins a question to prepare themselves for the rest of the journey.

If the dolphin is silent, prepare to get violent,
If the dolphin responds, invest in long-term bonds.

And finally, sailors even had a superstition for creating these superstitions.

If the rhyme is great, share it with yer mates,
If no rhyme have ye, buy yerself a rhymin' diction'ry.

La Cucaracha

2006-06-06T15:16:00.000-04:00

Somewhere, a few blocks back, I had taken a wrong turn. I could tell that I was in a bad neighborhood--piles of trash on the sidewalk, crumbling buildings with plywood over the windows, and not a taxi to be seen on the streets. I was just about to head back the way I came when I heard a whisper from a nearby darkened alley.

"Hey, ese!"

I quickened my step, by the unseen speaker was insistent.

"Ese! You lookin' for a good time?"

I froze.

Out of the darkness stepped a roach, wearing a dirty velour tracksuit and carrying some kind of cane. "I got all kinds of ladies waitin' to show you a good time, man," he hissed at me. "Desiree, step out here so we's can get a good look." He motioned behind him with his cane, and another figure came into the dim moonlight. She was a tall mantis, in high heels and a halter top that exposed most of her thorax.

I took a step away from the alley, and the roach laughed. "You don't need to worry, ese. She won't bite your head off. Unless you're into that."

I stammered something about having to get home and turned to leave.

"What? She not pretty enough for you?" A trace of anger entered the roach's voice.

"Leave the cricket alone, Manny," the mantis hooker spoke up. "He ain't interested."

"Yeah, maybe he don't like ladies. Hey cricket, do guys make your legs rub together? Or maybe its larvae? Eh, perv? Look at me when I'm talkin' to you!" He was shouting as I ran down the street, and I didn't dare turn back.

More and more of this city was like that nowadays. The whole place needs an exterminator.